My self is full of uncertainties. I always give doubts on the quality of work I am giving and devoting. I am uncertain about the principles of those I`ve been looking up to. I am not sure of what’s going on with me– my desires, my dreams and my plans. (Wala yata akong patutunguhan, lol) It could be because of my uncertainty towards myself, might as well. I am doubtful of myself in so many ways. I do not trust myself even. I always believe that others are always better than me; that they are capable of doing things better than I can. I am not sure of everything that I do. And this is the worst thing about me—being uncertain of everything I do and I have.
My path is full of uncertainties. [And admittedly, of bitterness]. I do not know what path I am going to tackle, or what journey is waiting for me to venture. I wanted to expedite my journey a little just because I do not see the point of prolonging it any longer. I am just tired of it all and so I wanna have a fresh start. I wanna have a new journey to make and new record to break. I’ve made numerous ‘starts’ but they’ve only made me worse. Ah, No! They made me better. It made me realize that the problem is “me” not wanting to let go. I cannot let go of all those things I wanted to become. I cannot focus… I am reluctant to do so. I know that my reluctance mirrors my fears, particularly my half-assed self to everyone. I realize that the more I push myself to focus on something, the more I cannot. The more I feel the necessity of me specializing, the more caged I become.
My life is full of uncertainties. Well, there are so many things I am not really sure of (all the aspects of my life, actually). I am uncertain of everything that I do, the consequences, the results of every decision I am making. It might be me being so and pessimist of looking of what the world really is. I am not good at making concrete and sound decisions in life. And that is, I usually take the regrets afterwards. I am uncertain of this jittery instincts, making me think I am gullible at times. I have nothing I can be proud of, nothing to compare. There is nothing so certain in me.
So this time, I will continue to be the half-assed self that I am since I cannot do anything about it. I shall continue to live the life below the standards set and certified by the society. But this time, I know, I MUST be better than I have been for the previous years. Should you grow up, Mhae!