I just arrived from my SOC 130 (Social Psychology) class. Topics discussed were really interesting– self-esteem, self-efficacy, self-worth and the likes.
There was one question in the slide presentation which made me reflect: “Do you really know yourself?” It was a mind-boggling question for me. Prosaic as it may sound but I couldn’t really get to answer. Yes, I am very used to answer long essays, explain theories and concepts, etc. But that one? That was quite difficult.
Our professor flashed list of adjectives that may describe ourselves. There were many words in the list. We were asked to pick up five to describe ourselves. But, for some odd reason, I can’t pick up some.. not because I don’t know what the words mean (I’m not that gullible lol) ; not because I was too lazy to write; but because I can’t simply describe myself. And I left my paper blank.
I do not want to describe myself through all those adjectives. Yes, I can introduce and share parts of me but I won’t describe. Simply put, let others describe me. What you see is what you get. Self-description is subjective. It depends upon the vision person looking up to you. Who am I for them will be their perception of me. The ways from which they make judgments on me (be it positive or negative) will always be heartfully accepted.
I am perfectly imperfect and I got lots of flaws. I am messy, clumsy, weird, stupid, name it! But I love those who appreciate the better side of me– those who accept me despite these all.
The class has also devoted time to assess ourselves whether we are high or low self-esteemed persons. Oh well, I have low self-esteem. I do not usually believe in my capabilities and skills. I believe others are always better than me– that they have the capability to do something than I do. I compare myself with others and it makes me feel bad. I have too many jerk insecurities. I don’t trust myself. Yeap, really! I sometimes think I am a failure; good-for-nothing. Pessimistic it is but that’s the way I perceive myself. *sobbs*
I was once competent, self-determined and strong. BEFORE… until this illusion just completely vanished. As I grow, there are many things I discover about myself– I am incapable of doing things I ought to do; I sometimes cannot overcome my weaknesses. My potentials aren’t good enough and some aren’t yet developed. And these comprise the low-esteemed me.
I am quite an introvert. I’d rather keep my feelings and thoughts to myself than to share it with others and be judged eventually. And this is an irony of being a young sociologist. I am supposed to socialize to diverse kinds of people, adapt to cultures and practices, develop a sense of critical mind, weigh situations intellectually and make a stand on some certain phenomena. Well, I am able to hit some of these naman but as I’ve said, I’d rather keep it myself. This is a side of me I hate about.. to be judged and criticized, though I know I cannot resist. That no matter what I do, I’ll still find people judging me, in any of my perspectives, in the first place. AND I MUST NOT CARE! This is a world of mediocre, fallacies and contemplations. I have my opinions on these, I have my opinions on that. I shouldn’t care what other people would say.
This is what I wanted to engrave in my mind. I want to boost my self-esteem! I want to dig the inner self-confidence of mine hiding at the core of my body. I want to make sound and concrete decisions in life without regretting anything at all. I want to know myself even more. I want to be more mature and not be terrified by anything.
Yes, someday I’ll be going to see and know the inner side of me.