The Fault in my Stars

I am currently shattering the most meaningful tears I ever had. I lied on my bed after my last class, embraced my pillow and cried. But these weren’t enough. So, I got my pen from my messy bag and I chose to write. Now, I would like to share this to people and I do not want to keep this shitty feelings inside of me anymore. I want these horrible feelings off of my chest. I couldn’t take it anymore. It feels like I am going to burst. And thinking about it makes my heart sting even more. Then, I feel that my heart is physically in pain. Yes, literally.

I MADE THE BIGGEST REGRET IN MY LIFE! *paused, wipes tears* I missed the biggest opportunity I can ever had in my entire stay in the academe! This opportunity which I have dreamed of many years ago has just slipped away from my hands. Stupid for I did not qualified! I was not good enough for it no matter how much I love it. No matter how much I held on to it years after it’s gone. Naive, gullible, stupid, yes call me like that. Think I deserve it.

Got it already? Well, here it is. I dreamed of taking my internship at some other parts of the world. I want to have an experience in the field outside the country. I thought, these experiences will further enhance my knowledge on things, making me well- equipped with all the necessary training in the arena of the social world. I want this to happen for I believe that this would be a very good training ground for me once I get out of the university. A well-known company in the Philippines offered me this thing, but of course, due to bureaucracy, I still have to apply. But I was denied. *sobbs* Nothing can be done to to anything about it. I read the qualifications they are looking at, and I believe I qualify. But the scenario is that, there were only three slots for Filipino interns and it was open for engineering students, business-related students and of course, the social sciences student. This was open to undergraduate and masteral students in the country. And yet, there were only three slots. This became my defense mechanism. I am trying to imply to myself that there was only a very little chance for me to get in. Yet I did. I should’ve applied beforehand. I should’ve done better than my best. I hate myself for this! *insert all dirty words*

It just hurts when the most thing you wanted has just veered away from you. And nobody was to be blamed except me myself. That is, I made a tremendously atrocious mistake in my life. I came to this point that I though something’s going to happen to me– that I’ll be going to see and realize my purpose in life. I thought everything was going out so smoothly sailing on its road and I am now planning for the best days of my life. BUT I WAS WRONG! *wipes tears*  I looked forward to it years ago, back when I was still in my freshmen years. I planned for this months ago. I thought of it day by day but all were just gone and put into waste!

It feels like my whole life is being devastated. My ego got hurt– acting like a merciless scalpel scraping my heart. I feel like I am really worthless. I feel like I really have no purpose in this world. And it kills the inner side of me. To fail, to get lost, to be someone not worthy of anything are the attributes that keep me tackling the most uncertain directions in my life. It seems like I am walking along a hallway with nothing in between.

It’s heartbreaking to think that my life is perceived to hang precariously by the thread of capricious fate. That the things I least expected to happen could actually be the things that are eventually occurring. I never really had a plan realized. I hate planning, actually. Cause I know at the latter part, they’ll just go into the shredder. It kills when what actually happens do not go consensusly with the plan. I should’ve changed all of these. I should’ve done something. I should’ve…  nothing’s gonna happen anymore.

Thinking of my sheer randomness of stuffs fundamentally about my-life-must-be things makes my feelings get worse. *cries* Whenever I walk, get a ride on a jeepney, look at the faces of the strangers, stare on a blank page, I think of my [now-broken] dreams. I am always picturing myself as someone who has already reap the bouquet of success. I see myself embedded in the summit of life. I see myself being into places one can ever think of. I see myself going to somewhere else, to breath strange cool air, to take walks, to step on a different world. But now, all I can see is myself being eaten up by the river of melancholy, beaten up by failures. Well, just my.. you know.. good-for-nothing self. *sigh*

Regret

It’s frustrating to chase what I have lost. I couldn’t turn back the time and correct the largest, most stupid mistake of my life. Maybe, I’ll be thinking of my crazy what-if’s and what about’s days after this pain. I know my mind will be soaring the boundless horizon imagining too many things. But I cannot just stop these caveats in my mind from popping. I dunno how to stop. Helpless!

I always look forward to grabbing opportunities like this for it will be a good catalyst of presenting my credentials to public. I wanted to have a curriculum vitae worth reading and something that will qualify me to somewhere. There, I’ll say, I have proven something to myself and I am not a tabula rasa  no more. For things,  I have invested time for me to achieve success. But [clearly], all points out to me, I am not that deserving. Maybe, it’s just me thinking of negative thoughts and dwelling again of pessimism. But this is how I view myself at the very hour. Others always have better something to show. And me? I got much more things yet to prove.

My utopian dreams are my guideposts and serve as a reminder of me to keep motivated each day. Never a day that pass that I don’t think of my future ahead of me– my zealous dreams [which now get vanished]. These dreams are the relation of my soul to my living body, to its expression in the light world perceptible to my eyes. I just didn’t thought, it’s gonna feel like this. It feels like all of my dreams were already shattered by a dream I cannot pursue. Badly, yes! I cannot pursue anymore.

I don’t know and I don’t understand why God has let me experience such. But I don’t ask Him. I don’t put the blame on Him. As some would say, “God has a better plan for you…”  I may not know it now, but definitely, there is. Maybe, I should have to get hurt before actually feel the value of a success. Maybe I should get fired up before I can actually dare to say I’ve gone through enough. It feels very hurtful to be rejected, that all your efforts were just put into waste. I am weak and everybody knows that. I am vulnerable to pain, I easily get sucked. I feel like I am a stupid bitch trying to do more where in fact, I cannot. I have some certain limitations. I feel like I am enclosed in a nutshell and I don’t have the guts to open and reveal my own self. Pathetic me.

Feeling broken, I cannot focus. I cannot do anything tonight. I even contemplate if I can have a deep sleep after this nightmare happened on a daylight. I am so much upset of myself. I hate myself. Why?… Why can’t I be just good? Ugh!!

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How many times do I still have to get rejected until everything is okay? How many times do I have to get broken and bleed until acceptance is easy? I guess, this is the worst part of me. I get hurt, and moving on is a long, long process. There, I realized not everything you hoped and prayed for are always straightforward. Not all of them are meant to come true. Some of it are just tests how long are we gonna hold on.

Opportunities knocked on my door and due to my indecisive spirit, it drifted away. It seemed like my shadow is being swallowed by the mysterious darkness. Totally gone and I can’t chase over it. I know, I shouldn’t cry over a spilled milk but I did so  much. I can’t stop these tears from falling. This is the worst feeling I ever had. I can’t let go of it too easily but there’s no way turning back. Holding on to something already gone and will never gonna come again is a matter of thing that strikes deeply into my veins.

Everything’s gonna sink into my system eventually. But there is still this hope, this stupid endless hope, that this great chance I miss will come knocking at my door again. Maybe, not in the same form as it is today. Perhaps, in some other ways. This is me, hoping for things to come back. This is me holding on to something really uncertain.

These regrets inside me will still be a pain in the arse. And it’ll take much, much time again for me to move on and keep moving forward. But the brave parcel of my heart is continuously being stimulated. I will painstakingly wait for the opportunity I missed to arrive at my door again one day. It’s sorta depressing to keep that hope on a stronghold but it’s more hurting to miss again that chance. Thinking that it will somehow be just the cause of my ache. I’ve been hurt and I am seizing the moment. It’s sometimes better to put everything at stake than not to try again once more.

It might be a permanent smudge in my intellect but at least I’ve learned something– dare to be brave and conquer the uncertain things. I should not be afraid of rejection for it happens unexpectedly. At least I know now, at the very least. And if one day, that chance once step into my life again, I’ll never gonna let it go. I swear! *deep sigh*

Lord, mend the broken part of me.

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