Paradoxical Life

I sit here, hearing the ticking of the clock in the midst of the night just reminiscin’ something. Charot! I am thinking of random thoughts over and over again. I am thinking of my plans for next week, since that’s gonna be a very busy week for me (at nakuha ko pa mag-blog). I am thinking of my acads, my non-sense life, my respondents, my major papers, my exams, just anything revolving around my academic arena.

Jushtine (one of my best friends) sent me a message via Facebook two weeks ago, asking me to be there in his graduation day, or if I cannot, the following day to join him celebrate his success. Since it was sent via messenger and he’ll eventually know if I have read the message or not, I got no choice but to reply. He told me the date, it will be on April 8. That was actually days ago. UP has shifted its academic calendar and April for us is a season quite far from the midst- nearing the final seasons month. I told him honestly that I have a very hectic (naks!) schedule and going to his once-in-a-lifetime event would be a struggle for me. However, as I have replied, I will be trying my best to fix my schedule and make some revisions of it for me to witness his day.

Hours went and I saw him posted something in our Facebook group exclusive only for us (my high school classmates). He posted a somehow-inviting-somehow-plan for us to have a get together this summer through swimming. I read all my friends’ replies. They were all excited, as expected. And as what they are ought to say, they agreed and even dared those graduating students to contribute more finances since they are, you know, “graduating”– leading them to carrying the pressure/burden.

I admit, I was one of those who saw the post immediately but I did not have the guts to like or comment something on Jushtine’s post. Not that I don’t wanna talk about it yet since I have too many things to do these days and (seriously), I still have no time to do things like that. I am not a free spirit yet! Igagapang ko pa ang hell week.

I’ve been to his party since I cannot afford not to see him celebrate such profound success. He’s been there for me through my up’s and down’s through all these years, though everybody would frequently see us teasing each other– at ALL aspects in our lives. Right after my last class, I travelled back to Sto. Tomas immediately cause I know, traffic would be a struggle since it’s a Friday. I arrived in his house few minutes before 6pm. Ate Liane was there already, a very close friend/ate/high school classmate of mine. I texted her few kilometers before the place so I would have someone to talk to when I arrive. Ayokong ma-OP nuh! And I was correct. I don’t have a friend there, since it was Jushtine’s party. As I have expected, there were lots of his college friends/classmates/batchmates. Jushtine introduced them to me, anyways. But a few moments later, my friends have also come in. There were Sharlene, Romar, Sarah, Bryan and Paul with me which made me feel at ease. Eventually, Thomo, Jeffrey, Grace, Ygon, Marco, Ed, Maningning, Fatty, Danroe and Mark-Vin were also in the house– who brought much more glitters on the show.

I gave Jushtine and Romar planners as a present since that day is theirs! Any ways, Romar has also graduated and I am very happy upon seeing them together reaping the bouquet of success. Well-deserved! *sabog confetti*. I gave them those planners cause I am madly overjoyed that what’s currently happening to them go accordingly to their plans. And still, I am looking forward to having more plans get realized with them cause they’re two of the many people I really treasure, seriously speaking. I know, they got too many plans for themselves as they venture their respective roads ahead and I’ll be one of those who would cheer for them, kahit ano mangyari. And as they cascade, I hope, they still got those planners with them. Symbolic as it is, and they know me for frequently doing such. Haha!

Upon seeing each one, we’ve got a chance to (once again) say random hi’s and hello’s to everybody. Nope, scratch it. Random throwing all the dirtiest words to each one. Yes, that’s basically normal among us. It is our way of greeting each other. We are very used to it. Baka ito yung ways namin ng lambingan. Chos! We’ve seated in a kubo just right in front of Tine’s house. There, we’ve enjoyed moments chatting and teasing through, of course, the spirit of alcohol. But not much drinks, just adequate to suffice the deprived esophagus of the kiddos! I served as the one initiating and mediating one from the other during the drinking session. Tanggera in short. HAHAHA! Eto yata yung function ko sa kanila nowadays. *note sarcasm* But don’t get me wrong, I just wanted to facilitate the instrument for us to exercise solidarity in the group. And besides, it’s a manifestation of leadership. (Naks! mailusot ko lang. lol) This was the part of the gathering where I find myself a bit relaxed. I am having the time to talk to people without getting any judgments and criticisms. I share my flaws, I share success and still, they accept me as I am. Ang drama! But it’s factual. Cheers for their success!

I have also talked to a friend of mine, a mother to me by heart, Tita Evelyn. She’s Joshua’s mom, one of my best friends. He’s getting married already on December and I can’t be happier than him as I see a clear vivid pathway in his life. Yey! May pumatol na sa kanya! HAHAHA. Kidding aside, I am glad he has already found the love of his life… after all!

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Being with the people I really love and cared for so much is one of the greatest things ever to me. Every hour, every second, every moment I spend with them is a moment I can never get back. Never a dull moment, never a dead air. We used to have too many memories way back in high school and the unending comics of our lives still continue to sparkle. Each occasion of the year, I always look forward to having ’em with me so I can (again) have a fresh air to breathe. During those times I feel the pressure intensifying at the top of me and the cloud of depression creeping over, I wanna to be with them, my Narra Family. 

I used to be their President (yes, believe it or not). I once had the pressure, the upheavals along my way as I govern such kind of people. It wasn’t that easy, I’m telling you. I was always the ‘one’ who handles decisions; the ‘one’ who targets the plans; the ‘one’ who manages the getaways and hang outs; the ‘one’ who was so eager competing for anything for the benefit of the many; and the ‘one’ who gets so wasted when disappointments were being thrown upon me. Basically, the one striving for what the group has to conform. Very pressuring it was, but everything [I thought] was already part of the past. That was a job but I have lots of mem’ries to treasure, and more importantly, much more lessons engraved and applied in the real life.

It was a stereotypical party we’ve had. We were used to it, actually. The delicacies, the music, those people I was with, they’re almost the same old stories. But what made it peculiar were the thoughts I’ve got in my mind while enjoying the mini-gathering of my batchmates. I was not in my ‘normal self’ during those times. I mean, my intellectual part was not the same as it was during those old parties and gatherings we’ve had before.

I feel somehow lost. I don’t know.. it’s just.. uhm, how can I put this? I feel so dragged down whenever I see my friends having their dreams coming into reality– putting those dreams in their hands already. Ooops, wait! Lemme make it clear, I am VERY HAPPY AND VERY PROUD upon seeing them achieve such.They have graduated, they are new persons now. They have something already proven. They now have the guts to say: “hello, world! this is me, I have my diploma now! I am an achiever!” And me? I am still stucked in the same old place. Maybe you know what I mean. The four corners of the university are the same social sphere my world is evolving around. To those who know me personally, those I used to have deep conversations with, you know what this is. And I will not repeat the same devastation over and over again. Going back, I am happy [as I’ve said] seeing them winning their battles. But I guess, I’ll be much happier seeing myself experiencing the same way too.

As the night comes just a bit late, talking on random stuffs were expectedly the things we use to do. Included to these are their plans and goals after their graduation, their future works and careers and the graduation itself. But me? I can’t say anything but the same old stories. Stressed due to academics, and my academics, and my academics. Unending novel. Psssh! I am proud of what they are planning for their lives in the many years to come. I just wish I have the same caveats in my mind also as such. Seeing them prosper makes me feel so joyful yet disappointed to myself, in one way or another.

I don’t know what I am talking about. Haha, just the fickle-minded girl you’d ever know. If you know me, you’ll most probably heard about these thoughts of mine to these kinds of things. I easily get denigrated whenever I try to compare myself with others. I humbly accept all my weaknesses and flaws. I embrace them around my arms but what hurts me the most is when I try to do all the things that I ever wanted yet fail to achieve things in merit. I am cognizant that things may turn reversibly in time which I think is happening to me right now. I used to be an achiever way back years ago, before things just slide at the verge of collapse. Things go smoothly. I have a clear direction of my life.. but not now. I don’t know where am I going. Maybe, I am foraging for something not concrete. I don’t know what life has to render me eventually in the near future. I have a very cynical view of the world. Yes, call me a loser. I definitely am. I am not like the friends I have, who have the most beautiful things pouring on them lately. And I am still hanging on the same bridge though. Their Valedictorian is being left behind. Ironic, isn’t it? Very paradoxical. But yes, this is how my life gets nowadays. Am I being too paranoid? Maybe yes. Undeniably.  *deep sigh*

This is how complicated and unpredictable really is. Full of blasts, full of twists and turns.

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(You, guys can skip this part.)

BEST Jushtine,

Thank you sa libreng kain. Yun lang. Haha. 

No. Congratulations and happy graduation day again to you, my love! A bit late, but still timely. I am proud you are becoming became the person we once talked about on the yester-years of our lives. I can still remember those days we were talking about our dreams and plans for the future, those crazy little things we have chatted randomly. I am so HAPPY you have already reached the stars you once stared at. You are now embedded in the reality of life and this is something I am very joyful of. You are one of the persons I really treasure in life and I look forward for the best things for you to come. You are one of the precious gems I have. I just want you to know that you are as precious as I value you all throughout the way. I won’t let anybody steal you away and lose grip of you leaving you broken. It’ll be so much pain to me (if ever) you get hurt but I’ll still be with you no matter what life would take. I will forever be your kakampi and your tagapagtanggol. I will always be here for you in the succeeding years of your life. I promise, I will never leave you behind. Cause I know, you will also return the favour to me. (And because a goddess should also protect her slave).

I am very, very proud of you. Carloads of orchids! May God pour much, much blessings to you cause you deserve all of those. I love you more than you love anybody else.

PS. Kaplastikan lang pala lahat ng ito kasi pinakain mo ‘ko. At para sumaya ka naman on your special day.

PPS. Congratulations with love.

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4 thoughts on “Paradoxical Life

  1. April Sarah Masa says:

    Bes. So lucky to have you in my life . Nakakatats to. Akala ko liham na kay ate charo yung binabasa ko ee. Hahaha yung pang MMK baga. Iloveyou 😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

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