Jealousy inside me

This is something I want to share. I don’t know if you, guys will understand me for this. Well, I just want this off of me so I am writing it down. Disclaimer: This is somewhat shallow. You may judge me and I am willing to accept all your ‘judgments’ be it positive or negative.

I do not usually get jealous. Only sometimes. When it comes to looking at different matters, I (try to) comprehend things more profoundly. I deal with stuffs in the most sensible way I know. I am open to the fact that things fall completely right to others. While things may fall badly unto me. I accept that I will never be perfect and I got too many flaws. I understand that there is a matter of luck among others while being so rare on me. This is me growing up, growing so mature to understand things.

But this is different. I feel so much jealous upon seeing my batchmates wear their Sablay. For everybody’s information, Sablay doesn’t mean a failure, in the context of UP at least. Sablay is that piece of cloth being worn by graduates from UP on the commencement exercises. Yep, it’s a small piece of cloth but tells thousands of stories– downfalls, tears, sorrows, failures and of course, SUCCESS.

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Many of my batchmates have already worn their Sablay last year. Some will be wearing theirs on the 25th. I am honestly happy for them. They are [finally] reaping the fruits of their labor. Seeing your friends achieve their success is one thing. Seeing yourself being left behind is another. I must admit, it is not always the success of my friends I see during graduation. I also see my loser self having not being at the same ground as them. I see myself as weak, inferior of the others and too vulnerable. Feels like my heart is being stomped on. This is me being so cynical again of myself, of the world. This is why I get jealous of them. They were all brave to face the world, to take the challenges and eventually succeed. While me? Gaaah! I see my dark side more than the ‘strength’ I have. I always see things negatively and I hate myself for this. Seems I am chasing over my courage.

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It is not only my friends who came from UP I get jealous of. Well, partly yes. But I believe that they understand why people like me are not suppose to graduate yet. They know the situations since we all came from the same university. What also hurts me are the comparisons I am receiving from other people. “Daig ka pa ni ganito, graduate na.” “Si ano, naka-graduate na. Magtatrabaho na yun.” “Naunahan ka pa ni..” Things like this. See, I told you, this is somewhat shallow.But I just hate it being compared. One of the worst feelings ever! If only they know my situation.. yes, I wish they knew. I wish they can jive into my shoes so they’ll completely understand.

I envy those who have the adequate intelligence, courageous hearts, necessary capabilities and the guts to conquer whatever life has to render them. I’ve been to so many hardships and I find it real hard to cope with all of these. I am downgraded by the waves of negativity inside me. I can’t help it but to compare myself with others. I see others better than me.. always. I see myself as no good compared with them. I know, I shouldn’t be thinking like this but this is me being the most low-spirited girl you’d ever know. Sorry.

In defense of myself, I am not having my Sablay with me yet for several reasons. I shifted my degree course and I had underload units before which made me struggle so much. I was not able to get complete loads before because the competition to get a slot was tough. Graduating students (then) were at the priority list and I was very unfortunate to compete with them. I got no choice but to just deal with my underload units and just strive for the best to pass all the courses I was enrolled at.

For now, I don’t know if I can already consider myself as a graduating student. I mean, there are too many things that may happen along the way. *knock on wood* However, I am keeping up the positive thoughts that I can make it on December! Yes, I am claiming it already! I am done dwelling through my false hopes and it’s time for me to see things on a more positive way. This is the spirit, I guess. I have only 18 units left with me– 12 units of major subjects and 6 units for my practicum/internship. I’ll be enrolling the first 3 units of my practicum this June (until July) and the other half next semester. Basically, I’ll have 15 units next semester.

I’ll be taking/doing my internship at a company I got involved with few years ago. I was their scholar back then and I wanted to serve the company in the most efficient way I know. I am looking forward to a better result of this. I mean, I want to propagate myself for the better. I want to get out of my comfort zone, step forward and learn how to stand on my own. I want to discover something in myself. Maybe, there is a skill hidden in me I am about to discover yet. Maybe I’d be able to escalate my skills to the nth level.. just maybe.

I know, many people are disappointed on me cause I turned out to be the girl they did not suppose me to be. I perhaps turned to someone who caused them disappointment rather than a girl they can be proud of. I may not be the lady they expect me to be– someone successful, someone who they can be proud of and tell he world they’ve got the best student in their lives. Well, I cannot blame them from feeling so. This was my fault not to be the best one. And I apologize for this. Sorry for being this weak. But as early as now, I am already giving thanks to those who still never give up on me– my family, friends and to everyone who still hold on to me, still believing in my capabilities rather than seeing me as someone failure. Thank you for still holding on. I promise, when I get my Sablay, you will always be a part of it. I know who still cling to the positive spirit and I know who have already went down. But I still thank those who once believed in me, anyhow.

I know, time will come I’ll be proud of myself too. Inch by inch I am gradually making my ways for me to achieve my success. Time will come, nothing will gonna hold me back. I am going to prove something to the world, most especially to myself.

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Sasablay din ako, tiwala lang!

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