Baffled in a cloud of confusion

I am a nocturnal owl and not an early bird. But it’s too early and I am waiting for my next class. I arrived (taray nung arrived) to UP five minutes before my 10am class only to find out that our Professor won’t be able to meet us. Gaaaahddd! Sana sinabi mo, Sir!? Para di ako naghihintay nang ganito katagal. Unluckily, my next class would be on 4o’clock a little later. It feels hell to wait for six long hours (gahh, I could’ve slept for six hours knowing that the weather is a bit placid!) so I went to Robinsons just to kill some of my time.

I am sitting here. In front of the Penshoppe boutique listening to Lady Gaga music whilst thinking of an abstract thought I’ve been thinking of for about a month already now. Kung anu-ano lang naiisip ko, ano? But this “thing” makes my neurons work and activate my brain cells I haven’t used for two months. So, thank you na din!

Kumusta na ba ako? (Sariling sikap). Well, my internship is about to end on the 15th. No, technically on the 22nd. Yep! Sir AJ has just prolonged the agony. Some of the members of the pannel cannot make it on the 15th, so I have to adjust. I have to present my output on the 22nd. But it’s not how my internship would end that I think of. Not even the way I am going to stand before the managers and VIPs in the company two Mondays from now. Well, that’s given. I am used carrying the stress and the pressure; letting my hands shake and my knees tremble in nervousness; making my blood curdle and my spine twist– I am so used to this feeling. Oh, my fright on the stage! Basically, this is not relatively new to me.

Eto na talaga. Ang dami kong paliguy-ligoy e, ano? Patawarin niyo ako. Ganito talaga ako mag-inarte habang naghihintay ng alas kwatro. Hmmm, I had a chance to talk to one of my bosses when we were about to get home after an activity done outside the company setting. He told me a secret. He is about to resign from the company for he wanted to be a full-time minister in their Church, respectively. To make a proper grounding, lemme lend to you his job, or his function as an HR officer in the company. He is the one in-charge of the trainings and seminars; handles the internship of the students; facilitates activities outside and conducts the fellowship done inside the company (which I made a research on). But he confessed onto me that he has already been called by his “calling”. He just made a sound decision -with his wife- to resign by December so he could study as a minister by January 2017.

He asked me, “neng, gusto mo ba talaga magtrabaho sa Mariwasa?”. I answered him in a direct way. “Sir, okay naman po. Kaso alam ko naman pong wala na pong slot sa HR. Pero naiintindihan ko naman po yun..” He replied, “papano pag meron?” Then I shrugged my shoulders off and answered him, “Si Mam Rushcia nga po, hindi ma-regular.”  He told, “pag kasi na-regular si Ruschia, may isang trabahong mawawala.” And my eyebrows met ways. I did not completely understand what my boss was saying. At the back of my mind, I was thinking, what would be lost if you are going to regularize one casual employee? Or was I just so naïve that I do not understand the employee rules (or something counterpart of it) implemented in the company? I am a newbie–in fact, an intern–so, that, I guess, is forgivable.

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Then Sir told me the whole thing. I asked him for, I think thrice, if he is already sure with the sound of the decision he is about to make. And I obtained affirmative answers. He has already decided for it couple of months ago and it’s only his wife who knows about it… and me. One of the dilemmas that he faces now is that, he does not know how to say this matter to Sir Paj (Sir Jomar) since they’ve been together for eight years or so. He is so sure of this. Confused, I asked him what would eventually happen if he resigns. He answered me that there are two things that could possibly happen. First, he will be replaced. Or second, the rest of the HR officers will be dividing all his tasks. But given that each of the officers are all busy enough with their works, it will be a heavy load to carry each of the tasks Sir has to perform. So, more or less, he will be replaced by another employee.

There he asked me if I am open to the possibility of replacing him in the HR team. I was a bit challenged. I didn’t know what to say. I told him that I think it’s quite hard to do so since he is really such an asset of the company. He is someone I  bow my head down when it comes to public communication. He is a notch above the others. He’s one of the best! Itaga mo pa yan sa bato. And I?… I am Mhae. Chos. I am someone so new to the corporate world. I don’t even know how to handle things in the best manner.. well, not yet. If you know me, you’ll get to being used to this. I am pessimistic most of the time. I often don’t believe in my capabilities. And I told Sir AJ all my self-inflicted rants. Then he told me that I can make it and he vowed to be there whenever I need a helping hand. He’ll gonna train me on the different dimensions of his tasks as an HR officer and will help me develop my skills more. That, he believes that I can handle all the pressure, his job, everything. He was offering me his job. He advised me to apply for his job once he resigns by December. He added that I will be the one whom he will recommend to HR if I am willing to. He knows that I will be graduating on December, ceteris paribus *cross fingers*.  He further told me, “kaya kita pinagawa ng research… tamang tama talaga ang dating mo.”  I felt stabbed at the back. Hahaha chos! Nah, I mean, Sir has just planned for my life. And thinking of it makes me feel so wondered. Did fate brought me here or was it just a result of my own personal decisions? But nope. I firmly believe that God has really put me into the company, made me as an intern for a definite purpose. I must help Sir AJ to leave a legacy in the company as he resigns. And I feel trully grateful that I -in one way or another- has been an instrument for Sir AJ to settle everything he needs to settle before leaving the company… for good.

He advised me to apply and stressed out all my edges against those who might want to apply for the same job as well. He told that it is an advantage to be their former scholar, their former intern, and someone who has made a complete research inside the company. According to his personal assessment, there is the very high chance for me to be considered. Aside from that, I am now familiar with the comapany already and what I will be doing will not be new to me. Well, I somehow believed. Sir AJ has made a good point. Haha lakas!

I actually have no problem with my boss’ job. It is actually one of the jobs I am dreaming of since then. Very ideal. Mind you, I am not into routinary activities. I do not want a kind of job that I have to perform in every single day of my life. How can I grow and develop if everything that I do goes very routinarily? I want to lead, I want to facilitate a seminar, a training or an activity to diverse people. It feels so good to see people listening to your words, following your instructions and asking for your supervision. Aside from this, the fact that I encounter different people in all walks of life will always be something wonderful. I love listening to people’s stories, arguments and random thoughts. I love looking and learning from them; be them at the supremacy level or those living in the grassroots. I want to gain new experiences as I encounter people in various groups. It’s just like… learning outside the class which is actually a must and looking at social realities. I believe that it is not the class alone from where we could learn from. It’s more of learning outside the four corners.

Another thing that I love with my boss’ job is that, he gets into different places here and abroad to perform his responsibilities as an officer. It’s a bonus he gets from his job per sé and that is something I always look forward to– travel, encounter people and experience much more peculiar things in life.Bonus na yung mga selfies. 😉

I’d also love to be the chairperson for the internship of students who try to learn and experience how everything goes in the corporate world. Para makaganti ba. Hahaha joke lang!  Kidding aside, I want to train students how to be a more well-rounded individuals and embed themselves properly in the corporate world. Oh, I hope I could train myself too! Haha. I want to be an instrument in molding someone’s future and incorporating all the lessons that will be much useful in the future ahead. I want to be a catalyst from which I could share something beneficial amongst others. Just like what the HR officers of Mariwasa have done unto me (ehem! Uno.)

Another good thing about it is that, I can maximize utility given that I don’t have to rent a house or an apartment to accommodate me. I can get home to my loving family and significant others everyday. Practically speaking, I can save more since cost of living would be less. And to empower me more economically, I can still be a college instructor in the evening. To share, one of my biggest dreams is to teach college students. Teaching is one of my passions. I want to be in the academic arena. I wanted to practice and develop this passion at the outside world. Consequently, if I am going to work in Sto. Tomas from 8 to 5, I can still go and teach as a college instructor during evening classes. Kayod marino para sa ekonomiya! 

But given these all, then what holds me back? It’s something one cannot understand without actually putting their feet on my own shoes. I simply want to grow up. I want to experience new spectacular things. I want to breath new air, new environment. I want to explore life more even so. I want to meet new people. Not that I am saying that I do not want to be with the HR of Mariwasa anymore. I actually want to. It’s just… I  want to see how far can I get. I want to open new doors for me, pave new paths and try different things. I want to challenge myself, to see how resistant I am and how strong I can be. I want to see how will I grow and deal with various groups of people around me. I am not saying that I will not experience these challenges in Mariwasa. Definitely, I will. What I am pointing is that, I want to start on a clean slate; from the bottom zero until I see myself at the top of success. I do not want to be hired just because the recruiters already know me in the first place. That, they do not have to ask my name. They do not have to look at my curriculum vitae, interview me and orient me. I want to be hired because they believe I fit in and I am more deserving than those who are applying for the same job. I want to be hired without any biases from my bosses-to-be. I want to prove something to myself.

Maybe at this moment in time, you do not understand why am I thinking like this. That, one of the biggest challenges faced by students currently (especially fresh graduates) are facing is the scarcity of jobs they can apply on which fits their skills and levels of mastery. Now that a job which I think qualifies my skills and strengths is inch by inch coming into me, I am accepting it half-heartedly. Maybe, I am just insane of thinking this way at this point. Judging me? Yes, I know. I understand.

Maybe this is also the reason if God why He lets me “graduate” on a non-regular season, December. Maybe He do not want me to be one of the thousands fresh graduates who will apply simultaneously on job openings during April or May after graduation. That, I am being given quite exceptional opportunity to be at the best job I know I love. Now I am having a clearer vision of myself and tracing the reasons behind everything I was always asking during too many random moments of my life. I am now having a vivid picture of what’s happening now. I am drawing the lines to connect different areas of my life.

At present, pathetic it is to admit, I am still undecided and I do not yet know what path to take given that I only have a couple of months on the university. Cloud of confusion is baffling over me again. Yet, I am indefinite. I am lost. I do not know what my life should be in the next few months or years. Driven with anxiety ever so indefinitely, these abstract thoughts are popping on top of my head whenever I stare at the thin air and think out of nothingness. But nevertheless, I am always looking forward to the mightiest and most rational reason God will lend me as I go and drive the roads of my life.

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