After a while

Days. Weeks. Months. Years. It’s been a whale of a time and that was a bit strange. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had a random conversation with an old friend. He is someone I am really close with. He is a “Kuya” to me since high school. We were very close since we had a mutual person very significant to both of us. Actually, to him na lang. This person is my kuya’s best friend and he was once significant to me. But after I and his friend ended up everything that we’ve had, it felt that I lost my kuya too. And another thing is that, he was my bestfriend’s “past”. And I guess this has also become a reason why he became a little bit distant to me. And so am I. I was not liking his posts even if I see them in my newsfeed and he’s liking mine. We were not chatting each other since then, unlike before that we even get into talking at the funniest things until midnight or dawn. We are not even texting each other anymore. And we’re not having the bonding moments we used to have unlike before. I felt like our friendship started to fizzle out. And a while ago, it was by a mere accident that we met. On a familiar place we used to be at… after some years.

I was caught by a surprise upon seeing him again. He hasn’t changed, actually. It felt like he is the same person I used to know since we were in high school. We talked the way we used to… when things haven’t changed yet. He was with his girlfriend, any way. And I was with my sister and my cousin who are also his friends. They shared table with us and we’ve chatted for quite a short time. Kumustahan, chismisan, kwento, throwback and all. He also shared to me the things currently happening with his friends (whom I also used to be friends with). These are the people who became my friends as I’ve chosen to be committed with the one I had in the past. And it was shocking to know some random facts that are happening in their lives nowadays.

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I must say, change has apparently came into their lives. Well, the same thing goes onto me. I was different two years ago. Mine and their metamorphosis have come our own separate ways. One of them has already given birth and was secretly married because of unplanned pregnancy. One is just getting married yet. One is already working somewhere and the one I was not asking kuya is still studying (which I failed to know) and is living happily with hisgirlfriend  live in partner. I wasn’t shocked to know such things. I mean, it’s just the same old story that was told to me before and that was not something out of the vacuum. I didn’t want to belabor much on this so I did not inquired much so.

He informed me that his best friend’s live in partner was viewing my profile too for a reason I don’t understand. (lol) Why would she keep on bombarding her mind with stifling ideas that could make her think of different notions? Pero okay lang. Ganun din naman ako dati eh. HAHA. But it didn’t brought me any anxiety because, what I post in my Facebook page would be something worthy and decent. I am confident. Daaah!? And upon knowing that scenario, I smirked for I thought that that was a funny truth, y’know. Someone might be stalking me the same way I stalk them. Lells!

I was not cognizant that I just stopped stalking these people for about two years now. THIS IS AN HONEST CONFESSION. Before, there was never a day I won’t view their Facebook profiles, look at their tweets and instagram posts. I even go far beyond getting to know their friends outside the realm so I could better have a clearer rapt understanding of what’s happening in their lives. It was like I was searching with a kind of urgent desperation for a meaningful human existence. I was always into forage. Haha! I had this sense of cynicism and hopelessness. I even denigrated myself. But admittedly, these only brought a lot of insecurities unto me. I can’t stop comparing myself with his girl. Yes I know, that was an outrageous mistake. I was then reading their sweet and minsan-walang-kwenta conversation thread and a lot, lot more which only drastically plunged my ego. It felt like my heart was being stomped on and the pain mercilessly sting. These are the things that used to dampen my spirit most of the friggin’ time.

Casting my mind back to those ostensible days, I cannot imagine I have done all of those. There is the feeling of vexation upon having a glimpse of myself two years ago. Repugnant was I, I must say. It got me feeling out of sorts. I realized, I didn’t had the self-control I must’ve possessed. Self-control is one fruit that shouldn’t be left on the vine. And I failed to keep this into my mind. Sue me not, I am not this perfect.

I keep on telling my friends that stalking must be my talent. Haha! There, you knew it. I can be your private investigator. Kidding, there is one thing I did not take notice of. I was so busy with my studies during those times and I gradually lost the time to stalk those people on line. The day-by-day “online stalking” became sporadic, to seldom, to never. I did not notice I was inch by inch getting away with the rope that tied me to them. I chose to veer away from that habit I used to do and I chose to focus on myself instead.

I realized that I can get them out of my life if I sincerely do so. I can live a day without never having a view of their profile page. I can let them vanish from my system. I can always have the beautiful life I’ve always wanted to have without their presence. I’ve also came to realize that things never go as fast as we wanted them to. Everything takes adequate time. Just like moving on, you cannot just wake up the next day having forgotten the darkness of the past. Incrementally we grow, gradually we go. It is always up to us what we want to pursue in the future and those that we should leave in the past.

What I can advise you is that (Yes! Guidance councilor ang peg), take all the lessons you’ve learned even in the hardest way possible and leave all those that made you sorta insane. Do not be distracted by the people which would only merit no significance to you. Live your life to the fullest. Seize each day and do not sulk yourself in a corner. We continue to learn much things in life. Radiate positive vibes, you’ll eventually see that it will be coming back to you. Look forward to a much more beautiful things around you. Because life is as gorgeous as you are.

PS. Lastly, stop stalking. Focus on your life more instead.

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