Time passed by way too fast. It has been exactly five long years since I and someone significant to me (then) had drifted away. It suddenly popped up my mind. Today is the birthday of one of my friends and this is also the date I had this heartbreak. I told myself to never gonna get back to that miserable day again; but I remembered that I promised myself to take a look at it after five long years. And today is its fifth year. I want to see what might gonna happen to me after that scenario. Just an abstract thought. I found that there is a need for me to look at myself now and see what has/have already changed since that day. I felt that there is a need for sudden blogging hiatus from the things I usually share and my fingers are itching to write my thoughts down. So… here.
Take big note of this: Upon writing this blog entry, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t moved on from my past, huh? I did, DEFINITELY. Long time ago. It’s just I want to share with you the things I’ve learned and realized and how did it make an impact in my life. But if you’re not interested, as what I always say, you are free to press ALT + TAB.
My life is at the equilibrium when someone intervened and made a big change unto me. From my day-to-day life, until the night, even dawn, my set of beliefs, the things I normally do, the people I used to be with. Basically, everything. It felt that he has the flair to do magical spells that made me believe in the potion of love. He was the love of my life. He was the prince to my every damsel in distress.
He was my first (and last) boyfriend. He was a friend and a classmate of mine during high school. We were once very good friends and eventually he confessed that he was inlove with me (naks!). We were so good and I gradually felt this odd feeling that I was also falling in love with him. I’ve trusted him and I thought he’s gonna take very good care of my heart so vulnerable and weak. I’ve given him the love I have reserved for the man I would love (romantically) for the very first time. I/we held the romantic pursuits on hold in the midst of academic crunch. I handled everything in balance still. But no matter how I keep the balance, there will always be the loopholes that will outweigh one and taking for granted the other.
But love is not a mushy, gushy, here’s-a-box-of-chocolates feeling. When you’re both extenuating circumstances, you’ll feel that the both of you are beginning to veer away. In my/our case, I was so busy with my academic life. I failed to keep the balance I was keeping before since I entered the university. I failed to cast a critical eye on everything probably because I was still in the period of adjustment. Or what? I didn’t know. And I was not cognizant that I was lacking the adequate time for him as it was before. I clearly sensed the uncomfortable vibe between the two of us. Something’s not okay. Our relationship turned cold. And I just discovered that he’s already into someone else. He chose someone over me. He cheated me. Heartbreaking, that was. Indeed, he was the love of my life who tormented my heart into pieces. He let my heart sting for quite soooooo long. Years, actually. It hit me like a stab in my chest, leaving a permanent wound.
That was one of the major red-flag areas in my life. Everything’s becoming wrong though I thought I was setting everything right. Someone left me hanging; left me for another girl. *sigh* This is how powerful temptation threshold is. I know I had my flaws and mistakes to him, but cheating is never, ever tolerable. The situation we’ve had is not a lame excuse for him to commit infidelity. There can be too many reasons for our love to die. But the fact that the one I loved cheated over me was never forgivable. Because cheating is always a choice, not a mistake.
From that, I saw the dying of the independent will of my determined soul. You’d see the chaos in my eyes. I was thinking of him day by day; imagining him before I fall asleep and thinking what went wrong which brought a permanent smudge on the relationship we were holding on before. I was clinging to this little mighty hope in my heart that we’ll still end up together in the years to come. I was hoping to put our relationship on the back burner– that everything will turn out to the way it was before. I was hoping to rekindle the feelings we used to have. In other words, umasa ako kahit alam kong wala na.
I started accepting everything… little by little. But I still thank the heavens for this heartbreak I have encountered. I learned how to handle things more appropriately and I learned how to come out stronger. Things are always subjected to change and we sometimes cannot do anything about it. It is always up to us how are we going to cope with these changes. And this phase in my life has changed the way I see the world; it changed the whole lot of me. I am now braver and my soul now fiercer.
I learned that no matter how we invest the best feelings that we have to someone, it is always imperative that we reserve much more love for ourselves. It’s like loving ourselves before we love others. Because to love is to share. And to be able to do so, we must have the overflowing love within ourselves in the first place. So, if ever they leave, we would have the mechanism to get through it more easily.
Frankly speaking, not everyone will stay in our lives. Some of them will just leave.. even without saying goodbye. Some will just drop by to teach us lessons. Some are not meant to stay with us forever. People come, people go. We never thought that the person we once met as a stranger will bring big impacts among us. And when they taught us already the lesson we need to learn, they’ll leave as if nothing really happened. They will only add beautiful memories at random corners of our minds. These memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops. But the bottom line is, someone contributed for these memories to be formed which we’ll treasure for a lifetime.
I also came out to the point of proving that to love is to embrace the reality that you’ll get hurt. Love is not always a splendid, spectacular thing. It’s sometimes the other way around. We should fathom the two sides of the coin. To love is to put yourself at risk and preparing your heart to get stomped on. This is why it is very important that we get prepared enough to fall in love and to never rush things. We should think ahead of all the hailstorms that may occur. Like, we hope for the best. But we expect for the worst. Love is the most beautiful thing but the most painful to carry.
Also, we should not think that we are victims when the relationship has gone. When we succumb to believing that we are the victims of this certain circumstance and yield to the plight of determinism, we lose hope. We lose drive. And we settle into resignation and stagnation. This is wrong. Life must go on no matter how badly we get hurt. Learn something from this episode and go on with the beauty life has to offer you. We never know what the next chapter holds. I realized then that I am not a victim of a failed relationship. I am a survivor. I’ve gained something from this turning point.
My friends (we have the same set of friends) are still making fun of me. That, I haven’t moved on yet.. or I still feel the pain.. or I still love him.. yada yada yada! (Oh, I know you’re reading this, guys!) Reasons they think why I am not into a romantic relationship still. But no. I’ve already moved on and opened another chapter in my life loooooooooong time ago. I got no bitterness at all. It’s just I am preparing myself for the next person I am going to love. If time would come that I’ll have the chance to see that guy again, I am confident enough that I will never feel the pain that used to sting once and for all.
Currently, I am out of the dating loop for quite a while.. for five years already now. But I believe that someone is also waiting for me to arrive. For some odd reasons, I believe in destiny. I believe that there is this person who would see the galaxies within me. Someone worth letting my walls down for. I believe that the next time I am going to fall in love again, it will be with the person I am going to be with for a lifetime. Someone I am going to spend the rest of my life with. And God will give him to me in the right time, in the right place, at the right moment.
To the man who made me learn these things, thank you! Thank you for the wonderful memories. I have no regrets that I loved you. I am sorry for all my shortcomings. I hope you’re happy wherever you are. I am always thankful to God upon having you once in my life. I might not have said these before because I was eaten by the bitterness in my ego, but yeah there. All the best.