Because I’ve let go of the string

Was there a time in your life that you tend to feel the value of something once it’s gone? Did you feel any regret upon knowing that you lose someone who values you the most? Painful, isn’t it?

I once had this someone who showed me what kind of love he can give me despite everything– my imperfections, time constraint, and all. I don’t consider this as a whirlwind romance cause we’re not really committed. He showed me that he loves me more than a friend and he is willing to bravely take the risks just to end up with me. We were good friends and nothing would ever change that. Until he courted me. He asked if there is a chance of me and him getting together. I did not answer “yes”. I did not answer “no”. I was in the gray area. I failed to clear everything to him. If I affirmed, I might have regret since I am not ready to take the risks of giving him my heart I have fixed for years. If I negated, I would hurt one’s heart, an ego, a pride. I don’t want someone to get hurt because of my fickle mind and fear. Until one day, he finally had the courage to ask me if I love him the way he loves me. And I ended up saying, “yung pagmamahal ko kasi talaga sayo, as in yung friends lang talaga..”

I know I broke his heart so badly. I saw it in his eyes. The way he stared at me as he said his thanksgiving message- a message so meaningful that I had an empty emotion, the way he held me on my sweaty hands, I clearly saw what I’ve done. So rude. It was like I dropped somebody off. And I felt so bad.

I didn’t see him again. Our world must’ve gone again so wide for our two unsuitable heats to meet. I’ve also cut the communications off just for him to pave his own path and so am I. I would go somewhere he does not usually go at just to assure that our paths won’t cross. We were not texting and calling each other anymore, not even chatting. For months already.

I know I cannot turn back the time and there’s no way looking back. I know I hurt him and I understand. It was me who dumped somebody and I should also do my part for him us to continue our lives separately. It’s just… I miss his presence. I don’t know. I shouldn’t care anymore. But whenever I am at places we used to be at, it’s him I think of. Whenever I eat at places we used to spend our lunch and dinner together, it’s him I see. Whenever my phone beeps, I was hoping it’s his name I am going to see. Whenever I walk at the paths I use to tackle, it’s him I imagine walking with. It’s like he has already become part of my system and that, I cannot alter. He was part of me waking up each day until the mellow of my night. But yeap, those were the old, old days.

Admittedly, I did not give him the chance for us to be together romantically. I immediately trashed the idea of forever that could possibly grow between the two of us. I denied him. I rejected the love I know I can trust. And I saw him happy with another woman hours ago. They seemed so sweet eating his favorite cupcake on my favorite place. They seemed so happy exchanging words and reciprocating genuine smiles while holding each other’s hand. And I.. I pretended like I did not see them. But when I saw him again after so long, I saw someone far different from the one I used to know. There, I thought, time really changes people.

Maybe God just wanted us to drift apart even if we did not had the concrete string that would bind us together. There might be a deeper reason I do not see yet. But definitely, there is. We might be better off as friends. Who might know, if time would allow, we’ll be friends again? Let’s see. But I am happy. I am happy seeing him happy, truth be told. I hope for the best days of his life. I miss him but I should just be thankful that once in my life, I’ve had the kind of love I’ve found in him.

If you’re reading this, it’s my reply to the words you’ve said when you bid goodbye: Thank you for every little thing. I appreciate all of those. You deserve the best things on Earth. Take care of yourself.

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