I finally mustered all my courage to ask if what I am pursuing will serve its purpose at the end. After
days weeks of thinking what it could be, or what it might have been, I gathered all the courage in my heart to know the truth or the current status of this thing I am eagerly pushing to have. I am writing this because writing has always been my outlet for these heavy emotions I am feeling right now. It feels like my heart is being stomped on and I cannot afford to lose myself so I’m letting this out.
I applied for about a month ago to the company where I conducted my internship during the midyear. It was offered to me by Sir AJ, my internship coordinator and my mentor during my two-month stay. He encouraged me to apply for the position he is going to leave back then. And I, upon having the zealous desire to work for the company, grabbed the opportunity. I promised Sir AJ that as soon as I finished my last semester in UP, I am going to apply for his position. He meddled on my application. He let me send him my resume and he will be the one to review and print it out as he will be lending his resignation letter to the managers. He even made pray-overs on me (he’s Born Again Christian, anyway) so I can be accommodated soon. There is so much I am grateful for to Sir AJ. Indeed, he’s one of the best.
It was the second week of January when he called me and invited me for a training demo as ordered by Miss Sonia, one of the managers. Days after the interview. I even cancelled my appointment with my practicum adviser for some documents I should accomplish right away. I came prepared. I came with my fourteen-slide powerpoint presentation I worked for five hours, more or less. I practiced what I should say or how am I gonna deliver each and every slide. I was managing my time so well so it won’t exceed for five minutes, as they have mandated. My topic was about the kinds of consumers and I have incorporated the topic in the industrial setting. I delivered my presentation well which made me somehow feel relieved. The comments were good. That, I have wide vocabulary. That, my topic was interesting and that was the only time they were informed about it. That, I’ve shown pictures which didn’t bring them into boredom. That, I even inserted an icebreaker so attention can be caught. And overall, my performance was good for a “beginner”. Negative comments were just minor. Like, I should establish more eye contact, and suggested to walk or feel the entirety of the stage.
Despite all of these, I was put to the shredder. It’s heartbreaking to know that I got rejected by the company I was dreaming to work at so many years ago. It was a company near to me and I would love to work here someday. But like any other thing, there is never a certain one in this world. What you feel you can have today could turn out to be something you will lose tomorrow.
The reason, as reiterated to me by Sir Pajoms is that, the one who was hired can deliver impromptu speech/lecture during that time. If only I was informed that they are looking for someone who can deliver lectures and demos on the spot, I should’ve done the same thing! I am used to doing that same old story. I even made a spontaneous speech in front of hundreds of people in different races and faces during the Recognition Day of the scholars last July. Back in college, I can present a lecture, even a chapter, for 15 to 20 minutes without getting enough sleep the previous night. I was always caught by a surprise essay in an exam. I was good during my Speech Communication 1 class and has delivered four impromptu speeches and demonstrations. I believe I can do the same thing.. if only they let me.
It will be more acceptable for me if I knew that the reason why I was not the one to be hired is that, she is better than me. Or that, she is more qualified than I am. Or she delivered a more interesting topic (kinds of leadership). Or she incorporated it more in the setting/context. But I exhausted Sir Paj to tell me the reason/s why I got rejected. That was, she can deliver impromptu demo- which I know I can also do.
I honestly did not use my being UP as an ID for me to get the job. Not even my licence as a passer of the recent National Civil Service Exam for Professional level which I passed on my first take. It is something I always bear in mind when competing with others. But this does not mean that I am not proud that I graduated from the premier university in the country and I am already a professional. It’s just I want to prove that I can make some things work because of my ability, strength and all my might and not because of the prestige of the university where I graduated. I simply used me, just being myself.
I believe I am well-equipped with the qualifications I need to get that job. I believe I have enhanced myself and is now prepared to be part of the corporate world. But this is life. It gets unfair and unfair and this is what reality is. I got rejected for so many times in my life and this is no new story. It has been told to me as I open chapters in the book of my life. I am SO used getting rejections. And it shouldn’t sting like this. I would rather be rejected straight to my face than to keep me waiting for something I am not certain about. I should’ve not held on to this opportunity when in the end, it will not fall into my hands. I was very optimistic that I’ll get it and I believed that my dream of working with those amazing people and professionals will soon come true. But I was wrong. I should’ve seen the other side of the coin. That is, I might fail and be rejected- once again.
To tell you sincerely, I love the job Sir AJ has just left. I love being with people in all walks of life, not only to teach/train them but also to learn something in return. I’d love to see faces I can be friends with. I’d love working at and for the community and the sectors of the society, at times. I love being involved to many different projects, developmental works and events making me flustered by the fruit of the sweat I am going to perspire. I would want to work from the bottom to the top. I am willing to do the simplest things- the cutting of tapes, printing of nicknames and all. And the most fulfilling part of the job is to see people learning from you. It’s you who made them know such things- be it the smallest matters or the biggest ones. This is the kind of ideal job I would like to have the very first time I step on the world outside the university. Something not routinary, something fulfilling, something I can learn from. But I guess, this is not just for me.
This job I prayed hard for has just vanished and I should get over it. Can somebody slap me and wake me up to the harshness of reality? Can somebody please tell me that this is life and I should get used to it? And after that, I want to be surrounded by a warm embrace. I want someone who will say, “it’s okay to be horrible and feel the pain of rejection”. “It’s okay to get lost at times.” “It’s okay to cry.” “It’s okay to curse the world.” “It’s okay that you let go of things you dreamt of for so long.” “Mhae, you’ll eventually get good cause you’re one of the best.” “Better ones will come knocking at your door.” Words pierce my heart and it’ll kill me if somebody would degrade or tease me I didn’t qualified. Even if it’s delivered as a joke. Hey! You don’t know how it hurts and you never know how I really wanted to get in.
Maybe, I was already blessed with the experiences I just gained in the company. I became their scholar. I was part of the scholar’s annual ceremony twice. I delivered speeches on 2014 and 2016. And I know I did inspire fellow students. I became an intern. I was able to do research on them. And these are more than enough. It’s other’s turn. And I should accept that this journey has somehow ended with the moment I waved goodbye to Sir Paj as he was teasing me to bring pasalubong the next time I come back. I moved out of the glass door, without myself knowing that that was the last moment I will be at the company premises and in the arms of the HR team.
Maybe I was just too clingy not to let go. Maybe it was me who gave myself false hopes and ended up losing something I am not sure of. Maybe I am overreacting on this, that this also happens to millions of people who struggle on the same situation. Or maybe, hurtful as it could be, I was not just too good enough for them.
I feel so sorry for myself. Today, I felt like a loser. Circumstances are making me feel that others are always better than me or that, they are more pleasing that I am. I dunno. I am starting to doubt myself. I know, I should not. But it’s always easier said than done. I am starting to embark on being pessimistic again and seeing the glass half-empty than half-full.
Perhaps, this is not really meant to be mine. This isn’t my fate. But I still trust the plans of God whatever it is that He wanted me to be someday. And I am not questioning Him why I didn’t make it. I may not know the reason yet, but definitely, there is. I believe there are better things the Lord has written for me. And I trust His timing. I know everything will fall perfectly in its designated places.
To the people I met in Mariwasa, who turned out to be my friends, thank you so much! I found such a good camaraderie among you, Mam and Sir. You’ve been so nice to me and I will forever be grateful to that. May all the goodness you bring come back to you a hundredfold. I am hoping to see you again.
I’ll get through this and I know I will take a step ahead again. And when I do, everybody will see how braver I become. And as to myself, you’ve been good. Really. *pats shoulder* Don’t worry. When the sun goes down, the stars come out. And your stars will definitely shine- even brighter. Stay real.