There is this one person in my life who stayed with me and caught me after my very first heartache several years ago. He has been there when I was picking up the stubborn little pieces of my broken heart. He made me happy in so many ways which made our friendship got even stronger. We shared laughters, tears, sorrows and even the most random stories we have for a day. Though we haven’t seen each other more often than before, I am certain that he is still the same person I’ve known. Nothing has ever changed.
A random day on a summer night back then, he mustered all his courage to confess his “love” for me. He said he was in love with me and asked my permission if he can court me. Having the broken heart, I cannot say yes. I still love the person who has had my heart torn into pieces. Plus, I still see him as a very good friend than my man.
We had the same kind of friendship for years already, even if I know that he has special feelings for me. We remained the same old friends we have been since then. I was there for him and so he was. We tease each other, tell random jokes and stories. Hang-out once in a while since we have lots of common friends. Everything was always smooth between us. For most of the time we are parted by the oceans, nevertheless, we are always united by the same blue sky.
Until I’ve known that he was with someone else and I was left in this cold unforgiving ground. All of a sudden, he drifted away. Without me knowing, he bid his subtle goodbye. Weird, but it felt like I was broken as if we had this kind of social romantic relationship. This is the goddamn rude moment in my life that I came to realize that one does not need to engage into a romantic kind of relationship to get hurt and eventually know what it means to live in this life, to see how love can change a person, to feel how love can badly hurt.
I do not have the right to get mad and let this fury out of my system since there is no comittment between us. I do not know where I should stand and what should I think of. This feeling which wormed to the very core of my heart is quite familiar. I have encountered this one from years ago and it’s somehow cruel that I still feel the same way. Same drama, same pain, same fire but with a different person now. I felt cheated. I felt stabbed. And it kills like hell. I felt all the tiniest pain that overwhelmed my shattered heart. Every time I look at the sky and the clouds, I used to think that this person will make a significant change in my day-to-day monotonous life. That he’s gonna be someone who will bring a magical impact to me in one way or another. But today, the silver lining of that cloud is the fact that he is now gone. But yep. It is not his fault, any way. It is my atrocious mistake to think of such thoughts and expect those to become a reality out of the virtual world I created. My expectations towards this person caused me to crash and burn into disillusionment since it didn’t pan out.
And now he’s coming back. Very timely when I am now used to this kind of rejection and I have already accepted deep in my heart that he’s gone, figuratively. That he is now into someone else and he is genuinely happy at the moment. I really do not know what am I gonna do or what are the best words to say. Or should I ignore whatever it is that I think and feel? Or should I confess? Or what? Will I be agonizing the pain? Should I take the risk of falling in love and set our friendship aside? Cause it feels like I am just becoming his rebound just to get back to the floor again. I do not know either. I do not know how to conceal this discomfiture I am feeling. These thoughts are all in disarray, heading to nowhere and leading back to my mind. The whole thing just started bouncing off the wall over and over again. There are a lot more baffled thoughts I have on top of my head. And the more I think, the more questions are hitting me. And every blow, I helplessly take while tossing and turning endlessly on the cold bed that I would never get to share.
I want him to make efforts and take risks. I am now over patiently waiting and settling for less than I know I deserve. That, love alone is not always enough and it is too overrated. Truth be told, I am also after the personality of the person. I want someone who will fight against all odds just to prove that I am loved. I want someone who will make sacrifices just to be with me and will believe that every sacrifice will never go astray. I want someone who will make the little efforts to seize every moment with me. C’est la vie! I want someone who will offer me the entire galaxy when all I ask is a single planet. Someone worthy letting my walls down for.
I am not closing any of my doors and I am uncertain what’s going to happen next. I am trusting the plans of the Lord as to whatever He intends for the both of us. But I thank that person sincerely, for letting me feel whatever it is.
I am still after your happiness. I want you to pave even the most crooked path you need to take if it will make you happy. I do not know if I love you already or am I this selfish to own you this time. I am uncertain of myself, and the world. Nonetheless, I am still and will always be here for you even if we have this kind of blurred lines between our hearts.