Hi. I dunno why my fingers are itching to write and why you suddenly popped up my mind. It has been years since you veered away from the friendship we have built since we were innocent children. I kept on mesmerizing the moments we had, the jokes we have shared, the stories we talked about, the toys we had, the special occasions that bring chills down to our bones. And a lot more.
I was casting my mind back to that day when our friendship began to fizzle out. Everything seems vivid and clear. I can still remember the details, our lines, the foul words we’ve thrown to each other and the hard feelings I had during that very hour. There were lot of nights I dreamed about you. Perhaps because I think of you before I hit the sheets. I asked the universe whether or not I’ve been good to you for this anguish feeling to ever resonate in me.
Crossing over your social media accounts minutes ago (after n years) got me feeling out of sorts. I am glad that you have become the person you ever wanted to be, and that you are getting nearer and nearer to the dreams we’ve talked about long time ago. I know since then that you will eventually get there. You are intelligent, brave and you’ve got that happy soul. I am also enthusiastic to know that you’ve found the love of your life and you are happily living with him now with your two beautiful children. You’ve promised me that I’ll be your Maid of Honor on the day you’ll tie the knot. That didn’t happen but I am still happy. I was teary-eyed seeing you in a white dress. The plans and dreams we’ve talked about before came into reality. You were amazing!
Today, sad things still dampen my spirit. And truth be told, your absence is a pain in the arse. I am still dealing with constant desolation and my mind is still clouded by too much bitterness and incertitude. A lot of thoughts spread and baffled with astonishing rapidity. The merciless scalpel of criticism still hurts and stings worse from within. My heart was veiled with hatred and contempt. I somehow held grudge and the twinge of regret rested in me. I resent it hundreds, no thousands of time everyday. We’ve both done a single tremendously atrocious mistake and made thick walls between us. From this struggle, we’ve both lost– it broke us down into inextricable chaos.
But here. I guess I never had the chance to say ‘thank you’ for constantly being there. For being my walking diary and for listening to my endless random thoughts and non-sense stories. Thank you for listening and giving me the best pieces of advise whenever I am lost. Having this distance from you, I learned how to be independent; how to decide for my jinx self; how to stand on my beliefs and point of views and to believe in myself even more. Thank you for calling me over the phone at 2 or 3am just to ask if I am okay or how did my day go. Thank you for slapping me whenever I do or prioritize stupid things over the essential ones. Thank you for drinking beer and vodka with me, until we both get drunk and escape the world even for a while.
I might seem to be slipping back to the old habits we’ve spent years ago trying to salvage myself from. I am serene these days that a parcel of me believes that these random thoughts of mine about us are locked in eternal slumber somewhere. Amidst conciousness. But a bigger, unrelenting part refuses to brand me a “vague, non-existing throb in someone else’s life”. In my own life. I am pulsating veins. Locked but never hidden.
Days after you’re gone, most of the things I used to have in my everyday monotonous life seemed a little strange. Years after you’re gone, both of us have totally changed and damaged. For so many times, my life is perceived to hang precariously by the thread of capricious fate. I just want you to know that I totally get it why you drifted away. Maybe, I was just too harsh and some things were left misunderstood. But I still won’t say sorry for being real.
If we ever cross the roads again and a pecuniary nexus has again been made, if we ever see each other from afar, I am certain we’ll be different women– far better than the teenage selves we were years ago. We would see each other from a different perspective now.
PS. I’d painstakingly wait until the day we become friends again.
PPS. I miss you, bitch. Very badly.