Unsaid thoughts

I am writing this letter to you, my good old friend. It frustrates me that this is the only way I could convey my thoughts to you. These are the words I badly want to say but I couldn’t utter any. I kept on making segues and excuses everytime we talk about this. My bad, I feel uncomfortable whenever this becomes the topic of the conversation. But I have the slightest bit of hope that something will lead you to this random blog post, your eyes to these words and your mind to what we are now. Here, lemme (try to) organize these things baffled in the clouds of my mind.

There are two things I want to say. First is my gratefulness and second is a wish.

This is to express how much thankful I am to have you– despite ages, despite distance. Thank you for being real. All these years, since the joyful high school days, we’ve been very good friends. We’ve known each other for quite some time now and it is certain that we can always get along. Comfortably. And from being a friend, you mustered all the flecks of courage you have in your every vein to confess the “love” you have for me. Whatever that kind of love we knew back then. And I appreciate it. So much. For ten years, you consistently say and make me feel how much you love me. You were there when I need a shoulder to lean on, to listen to all my non-sense drama over a shot of rhum or a mug of beer. You were there to comfort me when I felt melancholic. When somebody broke my heart. When I did not know what path I was going to take. You were there to support me in all my endeavors in life– in the academe, in future plans, in all. You are the kind of person anybody would ask for.

But my dear, my heart sinks whenever I think that this love of yours cannot be reciprocated evenly. Cause I see you as a friend more than my man. No matter how much I imagine and try, I couldn’t give you the assurance that I’ll be the woman for you. For some odd reason, I dunno. Maybe I am this kind of a person who treasures friendship more than any other else. More than a relationship one can ever have. More than the kind of togetherness we both could have. If there is only one thing constant in this universe, that’ll be your sincerity. I will forever be thankful for that. And we both know, nothing can ever replace the friendship we have built over the years.

I would also like to send you my wish. If only I could ask all the stars in the sky to grant all the wishes of your heart, I will. Because you deserve that. I wish that in the years to come (or less), you’d find the woman who deserves all the love you have to give. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you do. Someone who would bring you the rays of sunshine when your world seems a little too dark. Someone who would brighten up the galaxies around you and someone who would love you in return. But, I should admit, I am not that someone. If only I could send you back all the love you have given me, I would. I’d place it in a jar, embrace it so tight and will send it to you with the love I know. I wish, time would come that you’re gonna gather all these love again and pour it to someone else instead. That this time, you’ll be happy. I want to see you with someone else smiling just like the glow I see when you smile at me. I wish I could be just like you. I could be someone who loves as genuinely as you do. Consistently and passionately. And I wish you could forget about me soon. That there will be a day or two in your life that you won’t think about me. That I won’t be a part of your day. That you’ll forget all the pains I’ve caused you and how cruel was I to you.

Someday, we’ll see how we’ve grown and how we learned from life. We’ll someday understand why fate made our parallel paths cross. Someday, we’ll have the kind of love we both deserve. Thank you so much for every little thing! Until then, I am wishing you the best.

 

Sincerely,

M.

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