Happy Women’s Day, Self.

So I am into this little site instead of encoding and computing my students’ grades. I am saddened that this is the only way I could convey what I am feeling right now. It feels like I am about to explode. My twitter has been invaded by a lot of persons unlike before, facebook has now become toxic and I cannot trust people anymore. This is the only thing I (somehow) keep private so I am letting this out. If you’re reading this and really do not care about me, press Alt + Tab.

I just want this off of my chest. Few persons whom I trust has made me turn into pieces. All this time, I thought I could trust them and they are few of those I can completely give my trust to. If you know me, you’ll know that I do not trust a lot of people. I keep only few. Here’s the thing. The principal has called me and talked to me yesterday. It was about the complaints of my students against me. That I talk too informally to my class, I don’t teach, give unfair grades to essays and I give harsh remarks to my student’s output.

I talk to my students in an informal manner because I simply want to be close with them. These students were generally good, intelligent and always aspires for what is best. In fact, all their teachers are looking up to them. I know we have known each other for a short span of time, but I know I have made connections among them and I am certain that I made friends with my advisees. Unfortunately, I was this “feeling close” , I guess, who put my feet beyond the lines. I am a friendly person. I believe I am nice with others especially when they treat me nice as well. Maybe I was just this fool to believe that I am only their teacher, I do not belong to their circle of friends.

I am new to teaching. And I am not this kind of a teacher who would spoon-feed her class with the information they have to learn. Learning goes on a two-way process. It shoudn’t be monopolized by the teacher alone but the students should earn not only the facts and information provided by the book but also learning how to make a standpoint and make critical analyses out of it. Learning is not just about listening to the teacher, jotting down notes and reviewing. Learning is more of thinking outside the box, looking to things in different perspectives and more importantly, seeing its relevance in the real world. This is the way I handle things. This is the way I teach and facilitate my classes. If this is wrong with them, they should’ve told me first before bringing this up to the principal. There is nothing really wrong confronting and talking with your teacher and discussing these stuff in a more professional way. And I am always up to that. If they don’t like me as a teacher (and as a person), I have nothing against it. I won’t change myself and my principles just to fit in to somebody’s standards. I am myself. This is me. This is who I am. Love me and I’ll give back the love you give a hundredfold. Hate me and I wouldn’t give a damn care.

This is also to clarify that I do not give grades to their essays depending on the length of their work. I give high points to essays which have hit the main points or those who present their arguments clearly and objectively, even if that was made up of four or five sentences only. Contrariwise, not because an essay is long but not very substantive, I’ll give low points for that. I just hate the fact that one of my students has doubted me in giving grades for essays. I mean, s/he should’ve told me so I can explain right in front of that person.

I highly appreciate the kind of work that they do. They give their highest effort to accomplish a task and they never settle for less. In fact, I am sharing their outputs to my other classes and proudly say that they are one of the best and hopefully wishes that when the time comes that these juniors shall reach their senior years, they will be like my students today. I never remember saying a remark of “walang kwenta” to any of the projects submitted to me because there was never a dull project I’ve received from them. everyone of them are competitive and I would highly commend them for that.

My apologies for not being the teacher/person they wanted me to be. I am this weak, stubborn, childish, harsh and underdeveloped. I lack the experience to comprehend things much. I am not this excellent. I didn’t meet their standards. I am not a perfect teacher and adviser. And I will never be one. It just hurted me to hear such comments coming from persons I built trust with. It feels that I was slapped with a harsh reality that I was not (and will never be) good enough. Maybe others were right. I was nothing compared to others. I was just a piece of dust. It makes me feel down somehow. But I don’t hold any grudges, anger, or any bad feelings against them. I thought it was alright because I am so used to this kind of pain. Eversince, I was being down as this. Like I was not being honored for the good things that I do but is being criticized for the rest of my weak areas. Today, I again felt this kind of pain and still my heart is like being ripped off of my chest. Why am I damn shedding tears while writing this? No. Stop crying self. You’re making yourself too pathetic. 

Maybe it’s again time for me to challenge myself just like the old days. Maybe it’s time to discover a hidden part of me, to find strength from my weaknesses and seek motivation from the people who only see the dark side of me. Maybe it’s time to listen to the inner voice that resonate from within– to follow my heart and be brave enough to face people with the strength and the flecks of courage I should muster.

Time and again, I was this good at concealing my feelings and keeping these within myself. *pats back* Oh tears wait, I am not yet done. And as to myself, I am still proud of you. Keep going because you’re a strong independent woman. Happy International Women’s Day!

PS. Shoutout to those students who sent such comforting words. 🙂

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