Can’t believe it’s the last day of vacation and can’t also believe I am opening this site when I should be writing a manuscript or encoding grades, coping up with backlogs, or preparing the lessons for this week. But yes, since it is the last day of vacation, let me just write here what happened during the holidays and reading break.
October 26. I and Love celebrated our 4th year anniversary. It was shortly overdue but since we were both busy about work, and oh yes the SHS Level Up this year, which fell on the day of our anniversary, has crept a lot of stresses and fatigue over my body. I am the SHS Student Council adviser and I was challenged so much. I never realized I could do things I couldn’t even imagine. It marked the last day before the break and that is what motivated me all throughout. But yep, at long last, it was done. At long last, I could finally breathe.
October 28. Going back, we had a simple celebration of our togetherness two days after our real anniversary and we were both oh so happy. Tee Jay surprised me by something I love doing– hair rebonding! Haha. I only do this twice a year, I even brought him with me some time in the same salon I love going to. I did drive for him during this anniversary date, (yes, I bought a car haha) and he asked me to swivel somewhere near the salon. He told me he’s gonna pick up his gift to me and asked if I can accompany him. I agreed and we both went to the salon and treated me for a milk rebond and some treatment. Haha! Oh how I love being treated like a queen. Lol.
Hours passed, we had a lunch in Malarayat Golf Club in Lipa where he made an advanced reservation in. I loved what we ate, was a bit pricey but we were also there for experience and fun, and it was indeed one of the books! After our simple lunch, we dropped by a Cafe near the place and ordered our favorite coffee. A bit pricey again, and we promised not to be there again, lol. But yes, it was worth the fun, tho!
November 1. Since it’s a day to remember our loved ones who passed, we also went to the cemetery where my Lola and Lolo and my mother’s twin are buried. We offered prayers, lighted some candles, brought flowers, and that was it. This is how we commemorate them. Simple but prayerful. I wasn’t able to take photos but yeah. That is how it was like.
November 2. Had a coffee date with high school friends! I couldn’t remember the last time we were complete as we were all busy with the things we pursue. I drove for them in Owl Fab Cafe, my favorite cafe somewhere in Alaminos. It was so quite there, unlike mainstream cafe, and I love places like those. We had a lot of kwentos and dramas and we were even planning for our next trip. We were even talking about the same stories and we love retelling it to everyone. We are having different lives already but still remain in touch with one another. How low key our friendship is!
November 3. My babies had a grooming session. They had their haircuts again. They had a summer cut even if it’s beginning to get cold outside, hehe. It is always good to see my babies fur-cleaned again after a while.
November 4. Had a quick date again with Love, alongside Marvin. Went to a cafe in San Pablo and attended their friend’s niece 4th birthday party. Oh how I was inspired by their home and some plans were running in my mind that day. Hihi. 🙂
So there! I don’t wanna get this post long. I just wanted to open the site, click Alt+Tab, and get stare again to the document I have been processing for months already.
I have all the time and courage to once again open this mini blog and write my random thoughts here. Today, I got one of the best emails I have received in my life. I got accepted as a faculty member at University of the Philippines Rural High School and I can’t contain my happiness. I have started as a Lecturer (part-timer) and now is inch by inch paving my way to become a tenured faculty.
Before this sweet success, there are really a lot of struggles along the way that it obviously consumed me, my being. I even had no drive to once again write and open this blog as I didn’t have anything good to share. It will only make me sad to open up those feelings bottled up inside me and see no growth in myself. So I just let the time fly way fleetingly as I build myself and still carry on.
I resigned from MCL (Malayan Colleges Laguna now MAPUA Malayan Colleges Laguna). I cannot see myself growing when I am not compensated right. My compensation is decreasing where it should increase already since I am gaining more experiences, passed the licensure exam, earning my masters, and all. Ironically, my rate wasn’t moving, instead, it was decreasing. It burned my spirit and made me look for greener pasture. Nonetheless, I am very glad to have been accepted in MAPUA almost four years ago as I gained so much from the institution. I tendered my resignation on January 16th, Monday, two days after my last cutoff. I was totally decided as I thought about it a thousand times. Since I was having my part-time job in UP Rural, I think, in one way or another, I will not go broke and I can support myself financially still. I resigned even if I was not so sure if there shall be a full-time position but it was always a leap of faith. I believed I can. I believed there will be a place for me. And I was not wrong.
For few weeks, I waited for this. It will again be a long grind, but I am reminding myself that I can make it one step at a time. I am so proud and happy for myself.
It has been a week already since you left me so unexpectedly. It broke me to hell, and that was the biggest heartache I had in my life so far. That left me wounds I think would never heal. And I bet, this will forever be a recurring pain. I will never get through this for the rest of my life. I would just eventually know how to live with this kind of pain.
I miss you every day, anak. Getting home feels incomplete at times. I miss how you jump into so much joy when you see me going home after a long tiring day. I miss how clingy you are and how you just change my mood. You wipe all my fatigue and stress away. I honestly couldn’t focus well on my work now, because I feel that something is missing. And that something is you. I miss you beside me when I work- when I teach students you would want to be friends with. I miss you disturbing me whenever I am discussing, making me feel that you need attention too. I miss your morning hugs and kisses. It really annoys me that you just enter my room very early in the morning, jump on my bed, and wake me up with your licks and kisses. I miss you barking at strangers (usually my friends) and eventually end up being friends with them as well. I miss how well you can eat anything, without you complaining about your food, and eventually drinking so much water since I guess, you want to stay hydrated all the time. I miss how you annoy Aan before she sleeps at night, and how you guard her door very very well. I miss how we cuddle during rainy and slothful days. Those hugs that felt surreal, hugs that I know I am loved. I miss every single thing about you, Bubbles. Miss na miss kita, baby ko. Bella misses you everyday. She seems upset. She is sad most of the time. She is looking for you in every corner of our home.
Bubbles, I am sorry if there were some mishaps on my part. I am sorry if I lacked something or I was not enough for you. But believe me, Mommy did my best for you, huh. Mommy will never be perfect, but please know, and I hope you felt it, that I love you so much. I love you with all my heart. I bought something for you last time when I went to DiviMall here in Cabuyao. I bought you a pretty leash and I was so excited for you to use it. But it rained for few days straight and I don’t want you to catch a cold, or germs, or make you step on the dirty flood and acid rain. I am sorry, Bubbles, I didn’t get to walk you somewhere before you left. These are the things I could’ve done to you, and now a part of me regrets it so much.
You know what, anak? I am certain that you are running very very freely there in heaven. I am sure that you bring so much joy with some other dogs there. I remembered, I dreamt about you few nights ago. You brought me somewhere I do not know. You were playing with me, as if you were so much fine. I know you are. You are lovable, and I know that other dogs will love you in return. I am sure that God is taking care of you. He doesn’t neglect you and He looks after you all the time. Storm the heaven with all your kakulitan and make other doggos extra happy. Okay?
Bubbles, thank you for the happiest 11 months of my life. I loved you even before you were born. I have seen you on the first day of your life. I have seen how strong you were- you were the strongest among your siblings. You were the fastest to eat. You were the one who drank your momma’s milk the most. That is I guess, the reason why you are the physically strongest and healthiest kid among your siblings. Thank you for all our bonding moments, that even in the middle of pandemic, we still got to go somewhere– smell fresh air, and live life to the fullest. Those moments were pretty like you, and these will forever be kept in the corners of my heart.
Don’t you worry, my love. Daddy Tee Jay is making me feel happy so I would not wallow much on this grief. He gives his everything- like what he used to – to still make me feel good despite missing you so much. He comforts me in all ways, even if your loss break him apart, too. We are staying strong for you. Because your momma Bella and Kuya Primo need us as well. Do not worry much about us. We will someday feel better. You are still our ray of sunshine, our bunso.
Bubbles, I promise you that I will do better. I know that you are one of my die-hard fans and I can never thank you enough. Thank you for staring at me whenever I receive good news. I know you were just sitting beside me whenever I celebrate small wins. I know you were celebrating with me, too. You were there when I cry. You embraces me when I feel down. I don’t know how you can sense it. Thank you for never leaving me behind. I promise that whatever it is that Mommy is pursuing, I will always give my best shot on it. I will think of you and keep in mind that you are still cheering me on. You are still my best cheerleader and my happy pill.
Someday, when I have kids of my own, I will show them your photos and videos. I will show how pretty you are. And how bubbly you were. Ah, that looks similar with your name! I will show them how you cuddle with me at random times. I know that they will love you even if they will not be able to see you in person. I will tell them that you are the sweetest. I will show them how I love you like how I love them.
I will write you a letter again, my love. I will make myself feel that you are still alive. Good night, Bubbles.
In a blank night sky, there will always be the stars our eyes may be staring at– with high hopes that someday our wishes will come into reality. Dreams come in many different levels. Some are dreaming high. Some are dreaming of something they wish to happen the following day. Some dream for others. And some are just dreaming about what is the simplest.
I dream of living a happy peaceful life. My eyes are held captive at my North Star and I wish that I will someday see how it will shine brightly on me. These are common ordinary dreams, I guess. People my age would surely be eyeing on whatever it is that I am looking forward way beyond.
But because of one silly mistake I had in life in the past, things get crashing right before me and these, I bet, are quite impossible to fix. There are some things that cannot be put on its original look. It’s a sad reality. I will forever admit that I hurt people, that there are some things that must be left unsaid. That there was the carelessness in me and I was never correct. I will never say that any part of it was correct. People commit mistakes, so do I. If I could only turn back the time- to the way it was- I would do what was right and just. I will not do the same thing around.
This mistake in me has left my heart hanging in confusion and grief. I know it shouldn’t consume me- my system and spirit- and I am doing my best to correct what I did. Some people went to judge me, spit negative words on me, crashed me, belittled me, built walls against me, and made me feel how terrible I was. But I am willing to embrace the horrible pain. I am willing to feel whatever it is that they think I need to feel. But no matter what I do, no tourniquet can ever be available in the market to mend some serious fractures. Although fractures may heal in time, but the certainty of it going back to the way it was, and its respective functions, remain so much unclear.
I envy people, who seemed genuinely happy even without anything in their pockets. I envy those who, in all walks of life, find happiness from the people who are in turn the source of their everyday smile. I certainly build these dreams I have with people I share intimate joy with, imagining how beautiful things can get as the vivid images appear in my heavenly sleep. Perhaps it is about time that I look after my own happiness. Even if I have accepted the fact that others will no longer be happy for me.
Nevertheless, I am moving on with life. While it seemed true that people would see that one mistake in you even if you did a thousand good ones, I am happy that I still can manage to go on and slowly move my feet forward. Maybe, that is one harsh thing about life. People will let you wallow in pain, put all the good memoirs in the shredder and do not let you feel like it was the good old days. The future remains to be seen, and I am patiently building mine with all these pieces of shattered dreams.
Still resting at the end of my every prayer is my heart’s loudest whisper that may the Lord hear whatever it is that my heart desires. I am a believer of miracle. While I have to bid goodbye to my longest dream, I ask God to let me see and watch how another North Star shines.
Today, I just installed my social media after some sort of detox. I have been on a social media hiatus, though I didn’t deactivate my social media account: facebook, twitter, instagram, and even this mini blog. I chose not to deactivate because I am afraid I may not recover my accounts back, lol. I just uninstalled these apps from my phone but kept only my email and messenger as a means on how would I connect myself with others. I stayed away from this virtual world, obviously after the elections since it caused me a lot of stress and fatigue- literally and figuratively. I was away for just ten days and it was honestly so good. It was actually the longest time I haven’t look at my social media. I was always used scrolling through my socmed from the very beginning of the day, until I hit the sheets at night. And there were a lot of things I just came to realize and I wish to share it here.
I found tranquility in my life, I could swear. I found myself calm and away from the things that may negatively affect my mental health. I am a firm advocate of mental health and I wouldn’t let the things happening around make me the person I keep on telling other people about. So at a very placid afternoon, and out of nowhere, I plugged myself out of the social media world, and that was one of the best things I did yet. As what I have mentioned last time, I would want to focus on more liberating things for me. And I did. And yes, I was happy.
I’d like to share the (randomest) things I just did and discovered while I was away from the toxicity of social media.
Read books. Yes, I was able to catch up on some of the pending books I would like to read but ain’t have ample time to do so. I read The Storms Inside my Coffee by Mica Menez. It was a book gifted to me by my best friend Sharlene but I haven’t got the chance to flip the pages due to my busy schedule. I am wishing to publish my own book as well. Huhu when? Ah also, I went reading John C. Maxwell’s Developing the Leader Within You. I am not done reading the whole book yet since I still have some work to do but I was already starting to read this. I still have so many books I am craving to read and I would wish to have some time reading them one by one.
Listen to podcasts. I kept my Spotify with me since I think I cannot live without music on. But just to make a difference, I did not play the lists I was used playing, but instead, listened to podcasts written by Filipinos. It was the Barangay Love Stories which captured my attention. The stories were very well-written and delivered simply but with sincerity. Also, I was able to learn from others’ experiences and keep these as lessons well-kept.
Bardagulan with friends. I only had my messenger and email with me so whenever I get bored, I just tend to bother my friends by annoying them over some silly things and random thoughts. I think our group chats went a little more active after uninstalling my socmed. Haha, hi beshies!
Encode my students’ grades. It is almost the end of the semester for the Grade 12 and eventually, an end in itself as well for the Grade 11. Grade encoding has been one of the sacred things in MCL and I don’t wanna stab myself into death by committing a change of grade after having some sort of mistakes encoding their grades. I carefully computed and encoded their grades already and since we also have a strict deadline in doing, I would mention that I successfully made the grading smooth. Congratulations to our Grade 12 for doing it with flying colors!
Went to the beach. Had a quick getaway to the beach somewhere in Quezon with the family. It was good, it was tranquil, and really, the beach waves have a very subtle way of calming me down. Would like to go to the beach with friends someday soon!
Cafe and samgyup. Highschool friends over a cup of coffee and some chismis would always be one of the best. Jamaica, one of my friends went home after five years staying abroad to work. We wouldn’t wanna miss the rare time she’s gonna get home so we made a quick catch up before she gets to fly back to UAE two days after. A while ago, I spent some time with Tee Jay and his fam over, still, a cup of coffee, pizza and samgyupsal. Indeed a day very well-spent!
Mobile Legends. I just tend to play online games whenever I feel so tired. But it frustrates me whenever I give my best, gets the MVP badge, but still won’t win at the end of the game. Urgh, the stress level is darn so… hmm.
Watch funny vlogs and satisfying videos. Since I didn’t delete my Youtube, I went browsing some funny Youtube and vlogs and honestly, they literally light up the mood. I was watching Norvin and Lovely, one of the rising vloggers and I couldn’t fall but to laugh at their vlogs. Another would be D’Anicetos. They’re father and son showing some love to each other by bullying. Don’t get me wrong. The son always tend to do some pranks and jokes to his father and it’ll be secretly documented. Their vlogs would take just a few minutes and there has never been a vlog of theirs where I didn’t get to laugh. Also, I got to discover myself being entertained by chiropractic videos. It was sooooo satisfying whenever I hear the sound of the cracking of the bones, specially those at the neck and the back area. It felt like I was also feeling relieved when I watch such.
Play the piano. I haven’t touched the precious keys of my organ for quite some time now. I am learning to play another piece (song cover) and it challenges me so much *sigh*. I would post the song cover when I am extra confident about it, lol.
Organize my stuff. It feels so much satisfying when I get to see my things and stuff resting on its proper places. I always want to organize all my things but there were always some things that are on top of these but good thing, I was able to organize them.
So yeah! Some of the most random things I did during my ten-day social media detox and hiatus. I couldn’t promise to stay active again there cause I think I will crave for a detox again since I find it calming not to browse the social media for some time. But surely, from time to time, I will, so I could still catch up with some friends I chose to surround myself with. Yes, I unfriended and unfollowed a lot of them cause I am not seeing them good for my own mental state, and my whole self, generally.
Indeed, there are some things better left unsaid and yes, unshared.
Sinusulat ko ang liham na ito isang ordinaryong gabi sa gitna ng pandemya habang kasalukuyang nagpapahinga pagkatapos ng isang mahaba at nakapapagod na araw. Mahigit isang linggo na pala ang nakalilipas mula nang naghalal na naman ang mga kapwa nating Pilipino ng ating mga bagong pinuno kasama ang pinakamataas na tao sa bansa. ‘Presidente’ o ‘Pangulo’ ang tawag sa kanya. Naghahalal tayo niyan kada anim na taon. Huwag kayong mag-alala, darating ang araw na ipaliliwanag ko ang mga trabaho nya at mga kailangang gawin para sa bayan natin. Ipaliliwanag ko rin kung ano ang gobyerno at gaano kahalaga ang paghahalal ng tamang Pangulo.
Gusto ko sanang malaman ninyo na ipinaglaban ko ang kinabukasan nyo. Tumindig ako para sa katotohanan at pumanig ako sa pinunong alam kong kaya kayong protektahan at mabigyan ng malinis at tapat na gobyerno. Pinili ko ang isang lider na kaya kayong pagsilbihan at hindi kayo pababayaang mangapa sa madilim na kinabukasan. Hindi niya tayo iniwan sa gitna ng anumang sakuna at pagsubok, at alam kong hindi nya pa rin tayo iiwan hanggang ngayon. Pinili ko siya sapagkat alam kong hindi niya nanakawin ang pera ng ating bayan at magsasagawa siya ng mga proyekto para sa ikauunlad ng inyong henerasyon. Ah, paborito ko nga palang kulay ang ibinabandera niya– sagisag ng tapang at pag-ibig sa sarili at sa bayan. Itinabi ko ang mga flyers, tarpaulin, t-shirt na sa kasalukuyan ang suot ko habang sinusulat ito. Hindi siya perpekto ngunit alam ko, at nasubukan na, na gagawin niya ang lahat para sa atin. Balang araw, mas ipaliliwanag ko kung bakit siya ang napusuan ko. Mga anak, pinili ko siya hindi lamang para sa akin, kundi para sa inyo.
Ipagpatawad nyo kung sakaling ngayon pa lamang ay kailangan na ninyong pagbayaran ang utang na mayroon tayo ngayon. Na ang buwis na kakaltasin sa inyo balang araw ay magiging pambayad ng utang namin sa kasalukuyan. Ipagpatawad ninyong ganito ang maaaring mangyari sa loob ng ilang mga taon. Ngunit hindi ko kailanman papatayin ang pag-asa na darating pa rin ang panahon na tunay na para sa inyo. Ipagpatawad ninyo kung nabigo namin ang inyong henerasyon. Huwag sana kayong mamuhi, bagkus ay palaabin pa ang pag-ibig para sa minamahal na bayan.
Nais kong ipabatid sa inyo na ngayon ay may mga nagpupumilit baluktutin at muling isulat ang ating kasaysayan. Nawa ay matutunan ninyong hirangin kung alin ang totoo at ang hindi. Huwag kayong maniniwala kaagad sa ga sabi-sabi at haka-haka. Lagi kayong magsaliksik, mag-imbestiga, at bumuo ng mga konklusyon batay sa kung ano ang totoo at nakalathala sa mga tamang sanggunian. Nawa ay magkaroon kayo ng kakayanang sindihan ang dunong na natutulog sa henerasyong mayroon kami ngayon. Mga anak, kayo sana ang pag-asang akala namin ay kami.
Gusto kong lumaki kayong may matatag na prinsipyo at paninindigan. Sana ay magkaroon kayo ng lakas ng loob at kakayanang mamuno. Nais kong ihakbang ninyo ang mga paa ninyo upang maramdaman ng iba na kailangan din nilang humakbang pasulong. Hindi ko kayo kailanman didiktahan sa kung ano ang gusto ninyong maging sa hinaharap. Ngunit ipinapangako kong hanggang kaya ko, gagabayan ko kayo sa tamang landas. Hindi ako kailanman magbubulag-bulagan sa kung ano ang totoo. Magiging magulang akong ipamumulat sa inyo ang totoong anyo ng kasaysayan at kailan man ay hindi ito babaguhin maprotektahan lamang ang iba. Sana matutunan ninyong yakapin ang katotohanan kahit gaano man ito kasakit at kasidhi. Kung darating man ang panahong kailangan nyo ring tumindig at ipaglaban ang tama, gawin ninyo. Tumindig kayo nang sa gayon ay may titindig din para sa inyo.
Kung darating ang araw, at loloobin ng May Kapal, na mahalin nyo rin ang unibersidad na itinuring kong tahanan sa loob ng maraming panahon, buong puso ko kayong susuportahan nang walang bahid ng anumang masamang kaisipan sa inyo. Hinding hindi ko kayo babansagan ng kung anu-ano dahil lamang sa pangarap ninyong makapagtapos dito at kung makapagtapos na kayo, taas noo ko kayong ipagmamalaki sa lahat. Hindi ko kayo kailanman tatawaging ‘taliwas lagi sa gobyerno’ at hindi ko isusumbat na gobyerno ang nagpaaral sa inyo kaya hindi ninyo ito dapat supilin kung may mali. Hahayaan ko kayong punahin ang mga kamalian at hindi nagpapabulag sa kung ano man ang sa tingin ninyo ay hindi naaangkop. Lagi ninyong tatandaan na iyan ang isa sa mga pinakamatatamis na bunga ng kritikal na pag-iisip at radikal na pagmamahal.
Sana ay malamang ninyong ngayon pa lamang ay labis na ang pagmamahal ko sa inyo. Hindi man ako magiging perpektong magulang, sisikapin kong mapalaki kayo nang tama, edukado, may paninindigan, at may ganap na liderato sa puso. Alam kong darating ang araw na matututo kayong magbasa at bumigkas ng mga salita. At kapag dumating ang araw na iyon, ipakikita ko ang liham na ito. Nawa ay ramdam ninyo na sa bawat paglapat ng aking mga daliri sa mga letra ng aking kompyuter, iniisip ko ang kinabukasan ninyo. Iniisip ko ang makabuluhang plano ko para sa inyo. At nawa ay lagi ninyong tandaan na ngayon pa lamang na kayo ay nasa aking mga pangarap, mahal na mahal ko na kayo.
Hihintayin ko kayo sa panahong itatakda ng Diyos. Laman kayo parati ng aking mga panalangin.
It has come to my attention that I haven’t got a Sunday Serenade entry for over a year now. What happened to me? Well, here I am enjoying the last day of the long weekend before making myself a proletariat again next week. I had a very restful and relaxed Holy Week– a very good time to somehow calm myself down, reflect, and think of random things and stuff. I may be sharing it here soon hehe. For now, well, I just got home from a Sunday mass here in our chapel since it’s Easter Sunday today and knowing the Catholics, they put high value on this event since this marks a beginning of a new chapter for the Holy Catholic Church calendar.
Here is a list of songs I wish to share with you. These songs are somehow connected to God and our faith. I hope these would calm the storms in you.
I hope you’ll get to enjoy these songs and I hope you were able to reflect this Holy Week. And please know that whatever kind of chaos it is that fears you, God will always be in full control. So, surrender it all to Him.
I honestly do not know how to start this mini blog entry. I just want to share how my heart jumps in so much joy as I was able to pass the Licensure Examination for Professional Teachers (January 2022) exactly a week ago. This is actually one of the rarest moment I know I can be proud of myself and that, I am writing this to honor my valor- to celebrate small wins and of course, let myself know that I am doing better. Yes, I am claiming, BETTER.
I share my feelings to only few persons and keep some to my journal, to this blog as well. And if you know me, you’d surely know that I am not the kind of a person who’s vocal and transparent about what I feel. I usually keep these bottled up inside or will share these to the very few friends I have. I don’t know, I just don’t wanna bother people about what’s going on with me. But don’t get me wrong. I just want to be the flower on a wall- gladly staring at people and not letting them know about my peaceful existence.
Sad ghurl moments aside, I would like to share how I struggled and come out victorious on this remarkable event. If you’re a frequent reader of this, might as well you know already what is it that I am talking about. But to make a quick recap on this, taking LET has been a pain the arse. The exam was a struggle, but even more was the process. Perhaps you knew already that I incurred INC (incomplete) remarks when I was taking the required education units back in the precious institution I was affiliated with. *flashback* My late instructor did not grant me passing marks since she mentioned that I don’t have to attend classes since I was a teacher there back then, and she just have to provide me some handouts and modules so I can catch up with what she was about to teach while rendering my service as a faculty member. I kept on asking when she shall be giving me the handouts and modules. She was not affirmative to my requests and when the final grades shall be released, she gave me INCs. I had to take some removal exams just to get passing marks on courses I did not even had any idea about its existence. That hurt me so much especially that I was not receiving any INCs and was not taking removal exams back in UP but these INCs have been a permanent smudge on my Transcript of Records and I couldn’t afford to even look at them. Yes, until now.
But ya girl was not giving up. It was few days before the Christmas break of 2019 when I followed up through and through until the time I could finally say that I have formally earned the units. And I did. Come December 26, 2019, I asked Tee Jay to assist me in pushing it through- from the payment, to the documents I needed to every single thing. I settled everything in 2019. I was so much determined to file for the incoming LET. It was January 10, 2020 (two days before Taal Volcano erupted) when I finally filed for this. I was damn too shy to present my TOR to Professional Regulation Commission (PRC) since I graduated from UP, got good grades, but incurred several INCs from a different school. Good thing, PRC honored my eighteen units and issued me the Notice of Admission (NOA) and that I was all set to take the exam in the coming year. Everything was all set, and I just have to wait (and prepare) for the exam that was initially scheduled on March 29, 2020.
Filing of NOA in Lucena
I was already prepared, then pandemic hit us hard. Everything got cancelled. Literally everything. The exam was moved to September the same year. But I took it as an opportunity for me to come extra prepared and make use of my time even more wisely. And so I did. I was certainly doing my best. And I knew that to myself. Then a news from PRC broke in. The September 2020 exam shall be cancelled and will be moved to March 2021 because of a variant (forgot what variant that was, I don’t wanna search for it lol). I was again heartbroken. I felt that I was wasting my time and effort and energy and coffee to something I don’t even know if worth it to be pursued. I was even planning to cancel it, and I was at the verge of giving everything up. But I provided a small room for another chance. Told myself that I am just coming with the waves. If it will happen, it will. I had the highest hopes that it will now finally be pushed through by September 2021. Yes, it did. But the thing is, the March 2020 examinees will be divided into four batches. Sadly, I was not included on the September 2021 list of examinees but in January 2022. I honestly believed that it will- for the 5th time- be cancelled. Nothing new. So this time, I didn’t hope for anything. I don’t wanna hold my hopes high again only to be let down.
But the September 2021 LET was successfully conducted. That was the time I told myself I now have to come prepared since I was getting to that very day I was waiting for soooooo long. I started reviewing from the January 1st (yes bagong buhay) until the 27th. I took a rest on January 28th, travelled with Tee Jay to Lucena on the 29th and the 30th was the big day. Dedicated some time self-reviewing while teaching and working and loving myself. I was not starting the year with a whisper but rather with a bang.
Went first to Padre Pio here in Sto. Tomas since I am so near to the place and I am a devotee of St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. Prayed first and asked for His guidance. I was crying the whole time I was praying. I cannot utter words but I know that God was reading what was engraved in my heart. Tee Jay calmed me down, comforted me, and made me believe in my own spirit– that I can make it as well. I was heartily asking God for another miracle and was earnestly praying and hoping that this shall be the day that the He has promised.
Sir Jomar, Tee Jay’s colleague from Pisay CALABARZON, accommodated us in his humble home since he’s from Lucena. Grateful for him and for Maam Coren and Yuna’s support and love as we went to stay there for a night. It was more than a 2-hour drive. Quite long and tiring. I and Tee Jay arrived there at around 5pmish on the day before the big day. It was the first ever long drive of Tee Jay and he was not so used driving for so long. And for that big effort, I was the MOST thankful. I was the most loved. He will drive for me whenever I needed to go, would support me for all that I wanted to pursue, and will forever walk with me no matter how dark and uncertain the path is. Tee Jay has been a very good friend of mine since 2011 and we were constantly cheering on each other when it comes to our various goals and ambitions in life. Cheesy as it may sound, but I will forever thank the Lord for making Tee Jay an instrument for me to know and feel that I am valued, and that, I am worthy.
Thanks to Sir Jomar and Maam Coren, I had a peaceful mind and a relaxed body the day before the exam. Sir Jomar cooked buttered shrimp and we watched Encanto before we sleep. But knowing me who couldn’t sleep on someone else’s bed, I expectedly couldn’t sleep that night, I and Tee Jay prayed together before hitting the sheets. I was feeling extra nervous as the exam which I prepared for for so long was just few moments away. Years came to months. Months came to weeks. Weeks came to days. And days went to hours down to minutes. I didn’t know what to feel that very day.
And here comes the big day. That was January 30, 2022, a Sunday. Sir Jomar’s family was ever so supportive of me. He cooked breakfast, made binalot for my lunch, and provided me with water. He and Tee Jay drove for me at around 6am. I knew what room I was going since we went to my testing center before we went to Sir Jomar’s home. I was eager to go to that exact room/place (Quezon National High School, Room 44, Seat No. 9) where I shall be taking the exam since nothing has ever been smooth in all the transactions I made to get this license. Everything was always a struggle. So I would want to do all that I can so I won’t encounter any kind of problem before this fight. But still there was still struggle. Yes, for the nth time. I don’t have a photocopy of my vaccine card with me so I had to go out for a while and make some photocopy but nonetheless didn’t make me panic.
Morning selfie before the crisis
The room was not intimidating. It may not be as ventilated as the classrooms we have in MCL but it was good, even though the noise from the public road near the school was somehow disturbing but tolerable, nonetheless. I felt somehow relaxed cause I knew I came prepared. I have all the rest of the documents with me. I had foods and drinks and some of those were prepared by Tee Jay’s mother. I had my inhaler with me and I was comfortable with my outfit. My blouse was from my sister and my sneakers were gifted to me by Tee Jay during Valentines last year.
The exam was divided into three parts: General Education, Professional Education, and Social Science (major). There were 150 questions per set. The General Education was easy but some of the questions were vague. There were questions which are incomplete and has no sense- like it was not properly written and expressed. Some of the multiple choices have repeated answers and it was a struggle to choose between options containing the same correct answers. There were also equations which were not properly written. There were symbols that ain’t algebraic or even mathematical. I guess, this subset was not thoroughly proof-read. It also concentrated on Rizal’s life which I am pretty sure added something to my advantage. But another concentration was on the authors of various international and historical novels and literatures. I was a bit clueless answering such since I am not an English major and I only know a few and classic ones. The Prof. Ed was surprisingly easier than the General Education for me. Reading and hearing some confessions, they were constantly mentioning that the Professional Education part was the hardest. But for me, that time, it was the easiest. I am no education major but the questions were only easy to answer– no yabang. Or perhaps I was able to practice answering sample questions. The major was a real pain in the arse. Yes, I am a sociology major student but the questions transcends in all the social science disciplines– from history, to Asian studies, to economics, sociology, anthropology, human ecology, demography, psychology, political science, philosophy and some current events. There were weird questions like who was this philosopher who look like this philosopher, and a lot more weird and out-of-nowhere questions. I seriously don’t know why it has to be asked in a licensure exam. I even left some of it blank first, then get back to these after skimming the questions. As I was marking some items with a big asterisk, I was thinking negatively already. There were I guess, twenty to thirty questions that I never had an idea about. So I just trusted my guts and feelings as I believed that I and my answer sheet were hanging at the verge of collapse.
Nonetheless, I was able to muster all the sleeping courage inside me. I was praying the whole time that God bestow me all thy grace, wisdom and knowledge I shall be needing in order to pass the exam. I know I came prepared but I also know that there were some lapses on my preparation. There were some thoughts baffled inside my head- that I should’ve prepared a lot, lot, better. I was damn pressured. I was damn anxious. And I can never forgive myself if I will fail. I will take that as the biggest regret and disappointment in my life. I only had my strong will and determination, and of course my faith in God as the strongest weapons as I present myself in this kind of an uncertain battle.
Honestly, I somehow had to rush the Majorship which was supposedly taken from 3-6:30 pm. I finished the exam–strong or not– at 5pm since I was thinking of Tee Jay who cannot drive at night. We rushed going home since it seemed that there is a curfew when Tee Jay will be the one driving. I cannot think and act properly as we were traveling. I seemed to have lost all my brain cells, left it somewhere, and I shall be needing a lot of time to replenish. I was seriously having some headaches- literally and figuratively and I couldn’t even think about anything. I just wanna get home, lay down on bed and have a peaceful sleep.
I patiently waited for a half and a month for the results. I was praying each and everyday and hope that this shall be the perfect timing I was asking God for over the years. For the past two weeks before the results come out, I was totally anxious. I couldn’t focus on my work. I am feeling guilty everytime I standby Netflix and do my thing there. I couldn’t sleep peacefully at night. I was hoping for the best but I was also preparing myself for the worst.
But the Lord is great! It was Friday last week. I got home and my family was cheering on me. They were so happy and delighted to inform me I passed. I grabbed my phone, check my socmed and yes, it was confirmed. My messenger was bombarded by so many messages and missed calls from closest friends who, I guess, stood by the PRC page for a long time that day. I felt the sincerity on their greetings. I felt that they were truly happy for me and they would want to hug and kiss me that very moment. That day, my heart was the happiest.
Some may be mentioning that I am overreacting over this. But this is how proud of what I have achieved. This may not be so much as compared to others. They may be far better than I am, indeed true. But I never have to compare myself with anyone. I am comparing myself to the old lost me who was once a pessimist, afraid, and carefree. I am far better than myself few years ago. I am day by day thinking that there are so many things in my bucket list which I know I can achieve in time. This license is something remarkable to me. But I am now already looking forward to my next goal which I shall be mentioning perhaps in this blog very soon.
To everyone who has been with me through all these beautiful years, thank you! I know words alone cannot thank you enough but please know that I am sharing this success with you. This is not only an achievement of mine, but this is an achievement of every single soul who highly believes in its very own spirit. Cheers!
To you, dear self, I am so proud. You have a long way to go. Padayon!
Oh yes, here I am staring at the blinking cursor as I chose and switched to type mhaemaldonado.wordpress.com rather than mcl.blackboard.com to compensate for all that I have missed today due to of course, procrastination. I have been bombarded with so many schoolworks these past few days, of which I am used to, however, engulfing my spirit and strength I have provided for myself all day long.
I dunno how am I going to express all that I am feeling, at this random hour of an ordinary day. Lately, I am feeling the intense level of anxiety in my heart, and my head is baffled by so many ideas I couldn’t even express. There are some things only I can understand– feelings of anguish, what if’s, highest hopes, disappointments, failures, expectations and a lot more.
I don’t wanna even spill it here but I am still doing so. The results of LEPT is coming, I feel that it’s gonna be tomorrow. I couldn’t relax my mind. I feel like I am going crazy over something that is happening anytime soon. I am beaten up by many thoughts on top of my head and I am barely sleeping at night. And yes, the pessimist side of me comes creeping over my body, my system. But nonetheless, there is the very inch of hope residing in my heart that I shall come successful and come out stronger than ever- that a day will come that I will no longer loom myself in the dark, but will stand tall with a pride in my heart. I am not asking for so much. I just want to let go of everything that is bottling up inside and consumes me, of everything that ties me from the rest of the reality. I dunno what I have to do, what am I for, and yes, I am still searching for my soul. Corny to hear, but yeah that is something I would want to happen one of these days. But still, the question that still echoes in the wilderness for years is, “when”?
For so long, I have been earnestly praying to let me find my world’s deep purpose– if there is. I am asking the Lord to lead me to somewhere I would love and somewhere I know I can be happy. Still, these things are on top of my prayers and I am somewhat trusting that God will let me find that beautiful universe. There are some things that are left in my heart but I know that God is listening to its every beat and thrum. I know that He knows what is planted in my soul. He creates miracles.
I know I have wasted some of your time reading this non-substantial blog entry of mine. Till next time.
It is Christmas today and I feel like it is the freest time of the year. Merry Christmas! It is actually my second blog entry tonight and I feel like I am in the mood to write. Surely, I have so many backlogs, not only in some entries I am planning to write/share here but also in life. *sigh* if you only knew.
Anyhow, I am here. Sitting, sipping a cup of chocolate drink thinking about thinking. I don’t know where this blog would go. But bahala na. I do not even know how am I going to give some “life updates” since there is nothing really significant happening in my life so far and I am not sure if some things I consider significant will be worth blogging or sharing to or nah or hmmmm.. I dunno. Yes, I am still having the existential crisis and I, sometimes most of the friggin’ time, get lost. I think I will just write a separate entry about this, though. Lemme just share some random “tiny” updates about my life and see the things (big or small) I value and how life hits differently these days.
It is Christmas. Yes, you know it. I have mentioned it. Sorry paulit-ulit, gusto ko kasi ramdam mo. ‘Cause I am not feeling it any longer. Sadly, #adulting christmas is trully different ten, fifteen years, twenty years ago. I miss believing in the goodness of Santa. I miss waiting until 12mn and being so excited what Santa has left for me (and my sister) in the socks we put on our doors. I miss receiving angpao with some bills on it. I miss getting up so early and wear my brand new clothes and shoes, attend mass and flex all the accessories I had. I miss going to some of our relatives and just catching up and our pockets will be filled with coins and pennies. I miss christmas carolling- never getting tired of singing the same old christmas songs there are. I miss the old me. I miss the old christmas.
But then, as I saw, just few moments a while ago, in the eyes and smiles of my little cousins, they were really happy. Getting dressed, opening gifts, receiving money, candies, hugs and kisses. Yes, I truly felt their genuine happiness. Indeed, christmas is for them.
This blog entry is so useless. Lemme just write another “worth reading” entry. Goodnight and merry christmas!
THE BRAVE METAMORPHOSIS 