10 Things I Miss | 02

Freedom Park. UPLB Freedom Park has always been a sanctuary to me. It is a place I used to go to when I felt melancholic, or I want to think of something or just kill some of my time. I miss those moments when the weather was a bit placid, I was sitting on its benches, reading books, handouts and notes, while listening to music through my earphones. Those were the moments I find tranquility of the mind. A moment when I somehow felt relaxed and away from the chaotic world the university brought me. The Freedom Park is a witness of the tears I had when I was struggling in life during college. Been a witness how happy I was during times of success and a witness how I finally ended my university life.

Nokia 2630. This unit has been my first cellphone ever! This was given to me by my father. No, crap it. I didn’t give it back. Haha. I only borrowed the phone for three days because I was about to attend a Press Conference during my sophomore year back in high school. I asked my father if I can borrow his phone so I can call them anytime. Plus, it has camera and I was eager to take photos of myself and the place and the event as a souvenir. He agreed, thanks, Lord. But I asked him if I can extend the days of me borrowing his phone. He (again) agreed. Extend again. And again. And I didn’t give it back. HEHEHEHE.

DL Umali Hall. This hall is a home to me. A lot of my professors, especially those from Department of Social Sciences and Department of Humanities require us students to watch plays in our courses. And this hall was the venue most of the time.  This is not only where academic fora were being done. This has also became a home for young theater artists who have flawlessly showcased their talents among people of this age. Not only were they majoring on theater but they make sure that every play would incorporate deep thoughts among the audience. I myself have witnessed several plays and theaters done by ComArts and DevCom students among others. Some of them are my friends. And a lot of it made me cringe from within. I miss watching plays and all.

Japanese cakes. These cakes cost only five pesos, being sold at the Raymundo gate near College of Economics and Management (CEM). Every vacant hours or if I have time, I’d go there just to buy these Japanese cakes and savor these in my dorm or at the OUR to have some rest.

UPLB Main Lib. This is one of my most favorite places in UPLB. Not because I really love studying (because I don’t, haha) or because it is airconditioned or because of the free WiFi. I love this place because it naturally gives calmness in me. The MainLib know all my pains and depressions. It was a witness of how hard I persevered and how much effort I gave to my courses. I miss sleeping in here, too. HEHE. Whenever I lacked sleep or whenever I was deprived of rest and all, this is where I (try to) pull myself together and manage my spirit to fight again.

Sharlene Malata. She’s my bestfriend since Kindergarten. If you know me well, you’d know how much fond we are with each other. She’s a sib to me that I treat her a family as well. She moved in their new place in a subdivision few barangays away from here. But these days weeks months, I don’t see her again. I don’t remember the last time I saw her personally and bond with her along with some of our friends. The last time, I think, was during the wake of my Nanay, August last year. She’s not even active in social media and she has no cellphone. Whenever she’s online, I’m gonna chat her with “hi best” and the likes but won’t get any response at all. I miss her during special occasions, during moments when I want to share how my date went, or want to rant about something stupid, during moments where I and some of my friends belonging to the same circle get together to go shopping, adventures and all. Nakakamiss lang. 

Dramafire.com If you’re a lover of KDrama, you’ll probably know what site is this. This is a site of fandom, happiness, tears and even heartaches. Unfortunately, for some odd reason, I can’t access the site. Maybe it was banned, or what? I dunno. I need closure. Haha. So I moved to kissasian.ch to watch Kdrama series. (PS. I finished watching Uncontrollably Fond a week ago and gave me tons of heartache! Any KDrama to recommend for me to move on?)

Meteor Garden. Before any other KDrama hooked me (and my heart), it was Meteor Garden who made my heart falter, broken and jump into joy. I remember I was in my 4th grade when it was aired in ABS-CBN. I would rush going home from school so I won’t miss any single episode of it. Missing episodes was really a pain in the heart. Youtube and internet weren’t rampant during that time and I can’t go back to those episodes I missed. Dao Ming Si was my first love (hehehe) and he, losing his memory, was my first heartbreak.

Research papers. It is quite funny that I miss doing research papers. Surely, my college classmates would laugh on this. Hehe. But yeah.. I don’t even know why I am missing the research paper days. Back in college, all my major subjects/sociology courses require a term paper or an empirical research paper. And even some (GE/minor, supposedly) subjects require the same thing too. Doing such thing kills me like hell. It sucks all the stamina that I have, kills all the living neurons in my brain and even deteriorate my health. It caused much pressure on me also. It is ironic that I miss going to the field to gather data from different sectors of the society, to meet people in various walks of life, and see a glimpse of social reality from the data we were collecting. It’s like we were doing research not only for academic purposes but learning things from people as well.

Unmonitored social media accounts. I miss those years when no one monitors my social media accounts. Before, I was free to post anything in my accounts without people looking at it and care. Here’s a confession. I feel that my social media accounts especially my twitter account has been in the public eye since I teach. There are students who do nothing but dig my old posts and try to look for something they can make issue about. I was even counselled by my fellow faculty member about me posting tweets which contains “foul” words. But, hold on, that was several years ago and I myself cannot even dig on those. It is only these students who, instead of spending their time studying, goes to my account and see things there. It pissed me off but it piss me more that I cannot do anything but to keep my account silent. It feels that I am not free to say what I want and voice it out in my social media just like the old times. It feels like students are monitoring my acts and worse, send screenshots to fellow faculty members just to pull me down.

There! Just few of those hundreds of things I miss. Most of these were stuff back in college. Perhaps I miss being a student? Yah. Things I miss since I am transitioning to these phase called ‘adulthood’.

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Sunday Serenade | 05

  1. 1528000572869Line to heaven – Introvoys
  2. One Sweet Day – Boys II Men ft. Mariah Carey
  3. Heaven Knows – Rick Price
  4. Heaven – Bryan Adams, Megan Nicole and Boyce Avenue
  5. Heaven by your Side – A1
  6. Locked out of Heaven – Bruno Mars
  7. I Swear – All 4 One
  8. Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door – Guns N’ Roses
  9. Blue Sky – Hale
  10. A Sky Full of Stars – Coldplay

Word of the day: Heaven. Because.. why not? Been listening to Line to Heaven few days now I can’t even think of any other theme so I arrives at looking into songs that have the word ‘heaven’ in its lyrics. It’s the last Sunday of vacation for some students so they should celebrate. Hehe! Kidding, I hope everybody spend a time for their families and the things we love doing before we all get busy in the succeeding days. I hope everyone’s having a good Sunday! 🙂

An Open Letter to my HUMSS 12 Plato

Writing this letter the moment I woke up from yesterday’s event. I have the high hopes that something will lead you to this, your eyes to these words and your mind to the way we were for the past semester. I’m sorry that this is the only way I could convey my message to you. There are two things I’d like to say– one is my gratitude and the other is a wish.

The past semester was truly a roller-coaster ride not only for you but for me as well. I want to sincerely thank you for making me feel I exist. Seriously. That I have a different purpose now.  Through all these years, I felt that my life is a huge mess. It was like waking up every morning, surviving the day, still battling at night, hitting the sheets, sleep and repeat. For so long, I doubted myself. That there are a lots of things I am incapable of doing. That I have no intended purpose in this world and I should live to survive and not survive to live. I felt empty. I felt less of a person. I seem to be slipping back to the old habits I spent years trying to salvage myself from. I was too busy yet serene these days  weeks months that a parcel of me believes that my thoughts are locked in an eternal slumber somewhere. Somehow. Amidst consciousness. But a bigger, unrelenting part refuses to brand me a vague throb in someone else’s life– in my advisory class’ lives.

But the moment I lived my life outside the academe, everything has changed. And you were part of the change I zealously wanted for myself. You play a big role in my professional life. You were part of my answered prayer. You were simply a part of myself.

I thank you for showcasing everything I have witnessed. Not the performance tasks alone. But the God-given talents you all have. From time to time, I’ll say “I’m so proud of you.”; “Wow ang galing galing naman”. I mean it. Every single word. You are someone I admire in this eagerly competitive world. I witnessed a class who never settle for less that something they know they deserve. You aspire for the best and strives really hard to make everything work efficiently. This is something I want to keep, forever. I want to be someone as competitive as you. I wish I was like you. When I was at your age (not so long ago), I only settle for what’s good that I even forgot to work even better or best. I kept on saying, “pwede na ‘to”, “okay na yan”, “papasa din”, “nakakapagod lang”. And I was wrong. I should’ve pursued more and live life as if it’s the last. Thank you for opening a door to this reality. Thank you for showing me what a “best work” can do, what it can pave ways. You showed me the galaxies underneath my skin. Thank you!

The second thing I want to say is my wish. I’d humbly wish upon all those stars in the night sky that may all your wishes come true. That in the many years to come, you’ll be the person you were dreaming of today. I am indeed so blessed that, in one way or another, I heard about your dreams in the little individual talks we had. I am glad that you’re courageously opening up your door to the thousand possibilities you may tackle outside the four walls of the school. I wish you joy beyond compare.

I wish to God Almighty that you’ll choose the course you love, something you are passionate of doing and pursuing. That will drive you to striving for what you wanted to achieve. Conquer and choose your battles. In the near future, I wish that you’ll get the job you really want. You’ll all be paving different ways and these ways are endless. The world outside the academic arena is truly different. Nevertheless, still do the same thing. Dream big. Work hard. Aspire for more. I wish you’ll gonna land on a job that will help you develop yourself and will inch you towards the dreams you have built. I hope you’ll find satisfaction each and every day when #Adulting seems an inevitable change in your life.

Someday, when we meet in a cafe, or shopping malls or we bumped on each other while crossing streets, I wish you’ll gonna greet me with your sweetest smile. And say, “Kumusta ka na, Mam? Successful na po ako..” 

Until then, congratulations, my HUMSS Plato! You know how proud I am of each and everyone of you. God Speed! Per aspera ad astra!

Till we see each other again.

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Elan Vital

This is to let you know my thoughts I never ought to display
Pathetic that this is the only way my heart could convey
My mouth is running out of words that would say
All the reasons why I simply want you to stay

Your smile brightens up such a dull and empty mood
I was a wallflower- here for a long time I stood
I even couldn’t escape those sparkling eyes
Through the rays of the sun, they brightly shine

I hold you captive everyday at the back of my mind
Thinking of you before I even hit the sheets at night
If I get a little too deep, anxieties would surely attack
To these strong feelings, I might take a hundred steps back

You are someone I am still asking from God above
Someone I would like to entrust my stubborn heart
Because in this one mess of a life
You make my whole being happily alive

Thank you for lifting the chaotic spirit resting inside me
For patiently listening to my never-ending story
Same drama, same pain, same fire
But you’re still the one I zealously desire

You taught me the things I should’ve learned
Things I painstakingly missed and discerned
That real success comes from per aspera ad astra
From north and south, from alpha and omega

I just wish and pray we’ve met some different time
That this is not the current situation we’re aligned
We’re both standing in such a cold unforgiving ground
Yet in this very place, our hearts and souls we’ve found

You’re becoming part of my system each day
Your absence makes me weak, I should say
But if we’re not made to stay forevermore
Just allow me to love you just a little bit more

Thank you for letting me rediscover my self in a new light
That others might had never shed light on.

To @madetosenddm

This is kinda private. I was contemplating if i am going to post this or not but I decided to post this on my blog because it inspires me so much. So great that I even read this message everyday if time permits. It was two weeks ago when somebody sent me this letter via twitter shedding his/her identity in the name Elle Elle (@madetosenddm). I responded immediately the moment I got the letter. And my heart was jumping into joy upon this. Aside from finding happiness from receiving letters, this one has made me feel that i am loved. Deeply and genuinely. The letter goes like this:


Good day ma’am. I hope your day gets better. Before you proceed to reading the following context, please make sure you have a whole 10mins or more of free time because I think this will take a little bit long. I’m obviously one of your students that heard about the controversy or issue regarding some of your students’ complaints. I made this letter to tell you that I’m obviously against their protests and I honestly think that they are just KSP and pompoms (papansin). I know you said that ” Hindi ako galit or hindi rin ako nagtatanim ng sama ng loob sa inyo”, but ma’am believe me, it may have not yet happened to me (or may have) but trust me, I partially know how and what you feel inside. You don’t deserve that. No teacher deserves to be criticized regardless of their major, because every teacher has different aspects. Not everyone is good in English and most definitely not everyone is good in math. What more in those subjects like yours and sir Alvie’s? I hope it doesn’t bother you that I dropped another teacher’s name. Oh well if it does, I wouldn’t know.

Going back, I just hope you don’t hate on your students too much. I know there’s at least a pinch of hate because I know how you admire us. You even tweet about us from time to time. I’m not going to say if I follow you on twitter or not because your tweets pops to someone’s feed even if they don’t follow you due to someone liking it and retweeting it. You also tell your students from other sections/ strands/ grade level about us. I hope you don’t lose complete interest in us because not all of those students going inside that one particular room said the same and thought the same. I’ll admit, your way of teaching wasn’t my favorite. Hold on, please let me explain. I’m not an independent individual to start with. So I’m not a fan of power points and handouts very much. But I didn’t have a problem with you since you actually made the pointers easy by putting it on power points. I realized that when we had a quiz regarding three or four power points about community I think. I’m going to be a little sorry for this next part but, I only studied for 30mins when I woke up at 5am that day. Reading the power points for the first time and just my luck, I didn’t do bad on the quiz… nor did I do well actually. Haha.

My point is I know we still understand a lot even in your different method of teaching. And you shouldn’t be labelled as “Hindi nagtuturo” because that’s the most insulting thing to say to a teacher because, duh?

I don’t know. I don’t really know. I just want you to feel better ma’am. If I’d want credit for this I’d have put my name or nickname or whatever information that you can get just to know who I am. I bet you won’t even care how I am because… I know you were hurt from what the principal has told you. I want to give hints or even direct words to tell you who does sipsip, plastic and fake students were but, d’rather not. I’m obviously not with the top ten know, am I? Haha.

No, to be honest though, I didn’t know about the whole issue. Like, you not teaching, you being too informal that they had to tell another teacher about so that teacher could tell the principal, and such. I just think that you’re feeling betrayed and like your own beloved students turned their backs on you. I don’t know how else to make you feel better but this letter because I don’t want to say this to you in person. Like, you might think I’m doing it for grades and whatever.

Ma’am believe me, we’re not close. Kinda sad because we’re not but… Hmm… I still want you to know that there’s a student believing in you and somehow knows what you’re going through. Persist, ma’am, perstist. Show them. Show us. Take care ma’am. God bless po. – I might be a girl, I might be a guy.

PS. I’ll just stalk your twitter for updates if ever you’re going to give subliminal feed backs about this or nahh.. Anything’s good. Always pray because God sees us always and always knows our struggle. He will lead us to the right path, we just need to call on to him. ♥ We might see each other in corridors, classrooms and outside the school and you’ll never know it’s me. And I’ll try my best to act as casual as possible heheh. (That was a long PS. ) PPS. I originally planned to print this letter and secretly leave it on your table but I figured you’d check the CCTV. Haha. Also wrote it the same day you announced that the principal has talked to you.


To @madetosenddm:

I am shedding tears while reading this. I am encoding my juniors’ grades while writing this to you. Thank you so much for these thoughts. Thank you for (still) believing in me even others do not. This has made me feel good knowing that some of you love me this way. *tears* Truth be told, since that day, I am quite intimidated getting inside your room thinking that others are already judging me. But what else can I do? People will judge me intentionally and it is always part of growing up.

I may not be a perfect teacher and adviser but I am certain that I am trying my best in all that I do. Forgive me for being weak and for not having met people’s standards. Believe me, I am not mad of you in general. I have been hurt, yes. My heart felt like being stomped on and it kills as hell. But as what I’ve said, I was into such kind of pain. This is never new to me. But yeah, that is what makes us stronger and even wiser. So I am still accepting things as such. I am not afraid of criticisms. What hurted me most is the inbearable feeling that I’ve been betrayed by the people I trust and admire.

I want to be close with you for I know that you’re a true person and I feel that. I’m sorry if one time I spoke to you informally. During those times, I spoke to you as a friend, not someone superior of you. Forgive me. Here’s to give massive thanks to you, dearest advisee, for these kind of words. You’ve been so good that these words came from the heart. I trully appreciate you saying all these. Whoever you are, believe me, I love you. I am wishing you all goodness and health. Do good and advance congratulations on your graduation! Cheers!


I honestly do not have any idea who this person was. Reading the way he/she writes, I ain’t have no clue. He.she writes beautifully and it is so hard to guess who he/she was. Many of them writes as such. But whoever this person is, I am certain that she/he will go places someday.

And I am still hoping that in the many years to come, when many things have changed for the both of us, he/she will approach me and say: “Mam, ako po yung nagbigay ng letter sa inyo some time in March 2018. I hope you still remember po..”

 

Sunflowers. Sunshine. Sunday.

I was supposed to write about this a week ago but since every single day is almost preoccupied with so much things to accomplish, and every free hour was really meant for me to rest– since my body demands for it– I have no time to write how my day went, write about my thoughts, update this blog and all.

Here. I just want to share how I spent a day in the arms of sunflowers. Here’s a sweet reality, I am in love with sunflowers. My desktop’s background, phone’s wallpaper, my ponytail– they’re all sunflowers. Who wouldn’t fall in love with such beauty, anyway? I didn’t think out mini-getaway will come into a reality. Alex, a former advisee, texted me days before that she and her classmates are going to Sunshine Farm somewhere in Tiaong. I didn’t honestly think that it shall push through. The weather wasn’t that good, it was kinda placid and truly a bed weather for everybody. But because we were that eager to be in the farm, we still pursued going there. In the original plan, it was me, Alex, Sheryna, Janella, Christian and Kyla who were about to go in Tiaong. But for any reason, some weren’t able to join. So it was only me, Alex, Christian and Gelo who went and we were all excited. Elloi just saw Christian’s instagram story and asked if she can join us. We waited for her long before Gelo arrives.

Tiaong, Quezon was relatively near to San Pablo. The distance was like getting from San Pablo to home. And there was no traffic so it was a smooth ride though. We were dropped off at the Sunshine Farm and waited for Alex to arrive. But since we were excited to take selfies (especially me) with the beautiful sunflowers, we waited for Alex inside the farm area instead of waiting for her near the gates. Entrance fee was a hundred pesos. It might seem a little too costly for some but it was worthy because the caretakers of the farm are PWD’s. It was like helping them get a living while enjoying the entire place.

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I am really in love with sunflowers. It was my long dream to get selfies with sunflowers while wearing my Sablay back when I was in my first year in college. I dreamt of having those photos in UP Diliman whose sunflowers were very iconic because they bloom during graduation season. I dreamt of receiving a bouquet of sunflowers during my graduation, too. Wearing my Sablay and white Filipiniana dress while carrying a bouquet of sunflowers and having them as the background at the same time is my ideal display photo. Haha, seriously. But none of it happened. Sadly. But my love for sunflowers never vanished. I still wear a smile whenever I see such. Sunflowers, for me, are God’s magical way of showing us how beautiful life is. That we bloom in our time. That we should seek for the beautiful rays of the sun. And glow in the brightest way we ever could be.

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The plan was just getting to the farm, go home afterwhich. But Alex persuaded us to visit Bangkong Kahoy in Dolores since we were already there. She said that it was near and the weather was fine. So having this curiosity in mind, we decided to go there and we somehow regretted. Haha! We had to hike for two kilometers while wearing casual clothes (jeans, sandals, polo shirt in my case) and carrying a longchamp bag since I directly came from school. Imagine someone who is hiking with improper attire and a restless body just to see a certain place somebody recommended. Poor self. The place was really good but the weather was not. It was raining mildly but was tolerable at first. But as we go to reach the destination, we felt too exhausted and felt the dehydration and hunger. As we reached the place, it was good to know that there was free water which we were craving for during that moment. I drank four glasses of water but that was not enough. We took a cup of coffee (Kapeng Barako)  each to warm ourselves from the coldness we were feeling that moment. But to our surprise, only the first cup of coffee was free and we had to pay for the rest of the cups of coffee we consumed. I had three cups, myghad! We had our coffees while savouring on the burger and fries we bought. Whatta perfect combination, isn’t it? Lol. We weren’t oriented until Alex told us this when we were about to get home. BK was a nice place to do photoshoots/video shootings and perfect for instagrammable photos. Sadly, we had our trip there while the weather wasn’t good. We were all chilling in coldness and our attires didn’t fit the weather. It was damn hard to make ourselves feel a little bit warm when there was an extreme cold breeze of air, slightly heavy rain and lack of sun rays. Gelo was even dying of coldness and his goosebumps never really cease. Lol. But as what others say, the show must go on and there is no room for us to waste time and effort and energy and money to just sit on a corner and watch the place while not enjoying much.

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So there! We were all wet but still managed to take a lot of selfies. In fact, there was an instance where I almost lose grip of my phone and it almost fell. Good thing I held on it even my world starts to fall apart. Char! I held on the selfie stick so it didn’t fall.

We even heard a loud scary sound which even hyped the chill we were feeling. So we ran to get back to the mini lounge area of BK where we got our burger and coffees. Imagine our deprived selves losing control of everything just to reach the place where we can have our rest. It was nearing 6pm and we were all worried of not getting home since the mode of transportation was quite difficult. We had to wait for a mobile to fetch us in the area. We were all waiting for an hour or so but the person we have called was nit coming yet. A lot of bad thoughts were battling in my mind. I was most worried because I was the oldest of my companies and I have the farthest residence among us all. Nonetheless, my worries were relieved for a man fetched us in his mobile and drove us to Dolores. Thank God we got there alive.

There! It was a short escape from stress and was definitely a good way to bond again with my former students/friends.



 

Happy Women’s Day, Self.

So I am into this little site instead of encoding and computing my students’ grades. I am saddened that this is the only way I could convey what I am feeling right now. It feels like I am about to explode. My twitter has been invaded by a lot of persons unlike before, facebook has now become toxic and I cannot trust people anymore. This is the only thing I (somehow) keep private so I am letting this out. If you’re reading this and really do not care about me, press Alt + Tab.

I just want this off of my chest. Few persons whom I trust has made me turn into pieces. All this time, I thought I could trust them and they are few of those I can completely give my trust to. If you know me, you’ll know that I do not trust a lot of people. I keep only few. Here’s the thing. The principal has called me and talked to me yesterday. It was about the complaints of my students against me. That I talk too informally to my class, I don’t teach, give unfair grades to essays and I give harsh remarks to my student’s output.

I talk to my students in an informal manner because I simply want to be close with them. These students were generally good, intelligent and always aspires for what is best. In fact, all their teachers are looking up to them. I know we have known each other for a short span of time, but I know I have made connections among them and I am certain that I made friends with my advisees. Unfortunately, I was this “feeling close” , I guess, who put my feet beyond the lines. I am a friendly person. I believe I am nice with others especially when they treat me nice as well. Maybe I was just this fool to believe that I am only their teacher, I do not belong to their circle of friends.

I am new to teaching. And I am not this kind of a teacher who would spoon-feed her class with the information they have to learn. Learning goes on a two-way process. It shoudn’t be monopolized by the teacher alone but the students should earn not only the facts and information provided by the book but also learning how to make a standpoint and make critical analyses out of it. Learning is not just about listening to the teacher, jotting down notes and reviewing. Learning is more of thinking outside the box, looking to things in different perspectives and more importantly, seeing its relevance in the real world. This is the way I handle things. This is the way I teach and facilitate my classes. If this is wrong with them, they should’ve told me first before bringing this up to the principal. There is nothing really wrong confronting and talking with your teacher and discussing these stuff in a more professional way. And I am always up to that. If they don’t like me as a teacher (and as a person), I have nothing against it. I won’t change myself and my principles just to fit in to somebody’s standards. I am myself. This is me. This is who I am. Love me and I’ll give back the love you give a hundredfold. Hate me and I wouldn’t give a damn care.

This is also to clarify that I do not give grades to their essays depending on the length of their work. I give high points to essays which have hit the main points or those who present their arguments clearly and objectively, even if that was made up of four or five sentences only. Contrariwise, not because an essay is long but not very substantive, I’ll give low points for that. I just hate the fact that one of my students has doubted me in giving grades for essays. I mean, s/he should’ve told me so I can explain right in front of that person.

I highly appreciate the kind of work that they do. They give their highest effort to accomplish a task and they never settle for less. In fact, I am sharing their outputs to my other classes and proudly say that they are one of the best and hopefully wishes that when the time comes that these juniors shall reach their senior years, they will be like my students today. I never remember saying a remark of “walang kwenta” to any of the projects submitted to me because there was never a dull project I’ve received from them. everyone of them are competitive and I would highly commend them for that.

My apologies for not being the teacher/person they wanted me to be. I am this weak, stubborn, childish, harsh and underdeveloped. I lack the experience to comprehend things much. I am not this excellent. I didn’t meet their standards. I am not a perfect teacher and adviser. And I will never be one. It just hurted me to hear such comments coming from persons I built trust with. It feels that I was slapped with a harsh reality that I was not (and will never be) good enough. Maybe others were right. I was nothing compared to others. I was just a piece of dust. It makes me feel down somehow. But I don’t hold any grudges, anger, or any bad feelings against them. I thought it was alright because I am so used to this kind of pain. Eversince, I was being down as this. Like I was not being honored for the good things that I do but is being criticized for the rest of my weak areas. Today, I again felt this kind of pain and still my heart is like being ripped off of my chest. Why am I damn shedding tears while writing this? No. Stop crying self. You’re making yourself too pathetic. 

Maybe it’s again time for me to challenge myself just like the old days. Maybe it’s time to discover a hidden part of me, to find strength from my weaknesses and seek motivation from the people who only see the dark side of me. Maybe it’s time to listen to the inner voice that resonate from within– to follow my heart and be brave enough to face people with the strength and the flecks of courage I should muster.

Time and again, I was this good at concealing my feelings and keeping these within myself. *pats back* Oh tears wait, I am not yet done. And as to myself, I am still proud of you. Keep going because you’re a strong independent woman. Happy International Women’s Day!

PS. Shoutout to those students who sent such comforting words. 🙂

A Day at Rizal Province

Getting into places to temporarily escape the real world has always been my last resort to calm things down and de-stress thyself from the toxins life brings. If you have already read one of my entries, you’d probably know that I never had the chance to hike– even if I was in the arms of Mariang Makiling during college. Poor kid, I never had the guts and the strongest desire to reach summits. But there is still the hope in me that I’ll make it and this is one of the bucket list I have for this year.

Good thing, few of my best friends tagged me in a random facebook page (Bakasyonista) on a travel package to Rizal. Being this curious and excited, we immediately planned of inquiring and reserving for slots. Like, agad-agad. We’ve planned for it some time in January but chose and booked our travel on February 11. We paid half of the total price so the slots were reserved for us. We made sure to reserve six slots (for me, Jush, Grace, Romar, Sharm and Liane). Sadly, only half of us were able to join the trip on the exact day. Sharm had to attend her family’s party needs, Ate Lei had work and Romar was not permitted by his mom to join. TBH, it would be better if we didn’t plan it ahead of time. Maybe, everyone of us were able to join, I guess?

It was my first time to travel through booking via Facebook page. But since Jushtine had already an experience doing such, I trusted him and the universe that this one is legit and this will be a success. I was really terrified to try such thing. It was nerve-cracking to think that I;ll be away from my family for a day and the assurance of me getting back safe was not certain. But yeah, andito na ‘to. Paninidigan ko na.

We left at around 9:30pm-ish for Cubao, reaching around 12midnight because you know, traffic sucks. The call up time was actually 3am. But we were worried that no bus would travel from Sto. Tomas to Cubao at around 11pm or 12mn so we decided to leave as early as that. Since we were too early, we got no choice but to kill time. We ate snacks at Mini Stop, took a nap at Chowking (yes, we were that brave!) and patiently waited for 3am. Time gets a little too slow when you’re waiting for it, eh. Before reaching the meeting place, we were lost. We didn’t know what path to take, what roads to cross. And GPS was not being reliable anymore. I remember there was an instance where two young males passing by the same road we were walking on and we immediately shift direction thinking that those two were bad-spirited guys. Yes, we judge people as such!

The van/service finally came and it was Happy who caught us. Kuya Happy was enthusiastic to meet us since we came at exactly (and even earlier than) 3am. Good thing we came first. We had the privilege to choose our seats in the van. I seated near the window. That’s my best spot. Grace was in front of me and Jushtine on the solo seat across my seat. We were seated comfortably and the travel time were meant for us to take a sleep again since we were really zombies that time until these ladies came and totally made much noise inside the van. Yes, I understand that they might be this excited for the trip but isn’t it disrespectful to make loud noise knowing that some people were catching up on their sleeps? Naaah, poor kiddos!

We reached the first destination for an hour and a half. We were dropped off at a road at the edge of a  mountain. We had to ride a tricycle in order to get to the Treasure Mountain. Each costed php50 but was worthy because the road was rough and the tric had to go through a steep slope. We reached the entrance of the mountain for about 10-15mins. Feeling hungry and dehydrated and sleepy, we forgot to bring foods. Huhuhu poor selves. We thought that the foods we ate at 3am would be enough but nahh, we have such a horrible stomachs which can digest much foods in an hour or two. We thought of eating in a resto-house near the mountain but a serving of Tapsilog costs Php150. For godsake 150!! 150 bes! Sobrang overpriced. And a cup of soup costs Php50. Damn these foods. We regreted not taking out Chow Fan or any good foods from Cubao. But any way, life goes on despite hunger. We started hiking, took some of photos and waited for the sun to rise. Fortunately, we got to the top before the sun rose. It was actually my first time to witness a rising sun on a mountain view. It was soooo calming! Feeling ko may bagong pag-asa talaga ako sa buhay. Haha

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Feeling the cool breeze of the air, the warmth of the morning sun, the sea of clouds, the good talks and laughters with friends and the serenity of a view, you could actually say that it is really a good life!

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We were asked to leave the place before 9am so we could get to the next destination. It was only passed 8am when the three of us left the Treasure Mountain because we wanted to eat some and we got no energy to use for the rest of the day. It was really hard to find foods in the middle of a mountain, and even at the foot of the mountain. We had no choice but to avail the siomai and rice alongside the road where our van was parked. The foods didn’t taste this delicious but was okay just to relieve the hunger we were suffering from. Kumbaga, pwede na din pantawid gutom. Since it was too early for 9am (haha we were early most of the time), we had an hour or so to again take a nap in the van. We were asleep while travelling to the next destination.

A few minutes afterwards, we arrived at Regina Rica Church and reached the 71-foot tall statue. It was Sunday then and it was perfect to attend mass. However, there was none celebrated when we got there. So we just stayed for few minutes in the chapel. It was a tranquil chapel, really. Aside from the harmonic voice of the choir practicing, you’d hear the chirping of the birds. A perfect way of meditating and living your amino spirit with God. The place was serene and clean. There were even Tanglad and scented candles in their comfort rooms which added to the cleanliness of the place.

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The next stop was a place for us to have a lunch. Finally! A makatarungang pagkain na this time. We ordered grilled chicken and a bunch of rice. Yayyy! Satisfied stomach, at last!

Our next destination was the Calinawan Cave. It was one of my favorites. It was also my first time to reach a cave. This cave was really historical. It was the place were some Filipinos hid during the Japanese era. It was also the place where few of the most popular TV series were shot like Mulawin, Enkantadia and Ang Probinsyano to name a few. We reached the dead end, the fifth layer of the cave because we were this brave! Haha kidding, we made our trip worth it so we dared to get much deeper and put ourselves at risk. Crawling, having less oxygen to breathe and getting your clothes stained by mud isn’t that easy. But the fun and excitement was undeniably there.

Following this was the Daranak Falls but we were not interested to see it. Not to say that the Falls itself wasn’t that interesting or attractive but there was an entrance fee and the line was too long for us to endure. We were only given an hour or less to see the falls but seriously we fell short seeing such. But no worries! There is always a next time.

Feeling tired and extremely sleepy, there were two destinations still. Second to the last was the windmills of Rizal. I didn’t enjoy this though. Perhaps I was that tired. However, I did enjoy the streetfoods along the windmills. Grace was even laughing at me because I would always look after the foods in each and every stop. I WAS SO BROKE. Damn stomach!

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Last destination was a historical church in Rizal. Forgive me I don’t remember the name of the church but it was built more than a hundred years ago which made its structures worth seeing. We didn’t get inside the church for we were all tired. But Grace and I decided to step out of the van to change clothes and refresh ourselves for few minutes. #NoLigo ang mga bes nyo!

We left at around 6pm-ish for Manila. So we had around 2 hours of sleep in the van. We were dropped by from where we were fetched in. We had a quick dinner at Jollibee for we were hungry for hours. Deprived selves! We finished at around 8:15pm and decided to buy tickets at the Grand terminal. But lo! The last trip was at 8:15 and we were that late. The attendant informed us that there will be a bus bound to Lucena at around 10pm and we only had to wait. For two hours. Two long hours. Our hearts sank and thought we would no longer get home the following day. We rode a taxi and see if we can still fetch a bus bound to Lucena in Cubao. Thank God and the heavens, there was! Our travel time that was supposed to last only an hour or two lasted more than that. The driver of the bus seemed unfamiliar with the place, the expressways, the toll gates and all so we were lost. We’ve finally  reached Sto. Tomas past 11:30pm and we were all dead tired. Thanks to my mom and dad for the sundo. 

It was an amazing trip! I really had fun. Cheers to us three!

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Unsaid thoughts

I am writing this letter to you, my good old friend. It frustrates me that this is the only way I could convey my thoughts to you. These are the words I badly want to say but I couldn’t utter any. I kept on making segues and excuses everytime we talk about this. My bad, I feel uncomfortable whenever this becomes the topic of the conversation. But I have the slightest bit of hope that something will lead you to this random blog post, your eyes to these words and your mind to what we are now. Here, lemme (try to) organize these things baffled in the clouds of my mind.

There are two things I want to say. First is my gratefulness and second is a wish.

This is to express how much thankful I am to have you– despite ages, despite distance. Thank you for being real. All these years, since the joyful high school days, we’ve been very good friends. We’ve known each other for quite some time now and it is certain that we can always get along. Comfortably. And from being a friend, you mustered all the flecks of courage you have in your every vein to confess the “love” you have for me. Whatever that kind of love we knew back then. And I appreciate it. So much. For ten years, you consistently say and make me feel how much you love me. You were there when I need a shoulder to lean on, to listen to all my non-sense drama over a shot of rhum or a mug of beer. You were there to comfort me when I felt melancholic. When somebody broke my heart. When I did not know what path I was going to take. You were there to support me in all my endeavors in life– in the academe, in future plans, in all. You are the kind of person anybody would ask for.

But my dear, my heart sinks whenever I think that this love of yours cannot be reciprocated evenly. Cause I see you as a friend more than my man. No matter how much I imagine and try, I couldn’t give you the assurance that I’ll be the woman for you. For some odd reason, I dunno. Maybe I am this kind of a person who treasures friendship more than any other else. More than a relationship one can ever have. More than the kind of togetherness we both could have. If there is only one thing constant in this universe, that’ll be your sincerity. I will forever be thankful for that. And we both know, nothing can ever replace the friendship we have built over the years.

I would also like to send you my wish. If only I could ask all the stars in the sky to grant all the wishes of your heart, I will. Because you deserve that. I wish that in the years to come (or less), you’d find the woman who deserves all the love you have to give. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you do. Someone who would bring you the rays of sunshine when your world seems a little too dark. Someone who would brighten up the galaxies around you and someone who would love you in return. But, I should admit, I am not that someone. If only I could send you back all the love you have given me, I would. I’d place it in a jar, embrace it so tight and will send it to you with the love I know. I wish, time would come that you’re gonna gather all these love again and pour it to someone else instead. That this time, you’ll be happy. I want to see you with someone else smiling just like the glow I see when you smile at me. I wish I could be just like you. I could be someone who loves as genuinely as you do. Consistently and passionately. And I wish you could forget about me soon. That there will be a day or two in your life that you won’t think about me. That I won’t be a part of your day. That you’ll forget all the pains I’ve caused you and how cruel was I to you.

Someday, we’ll see how we’ve grown and how we learned from life. We’ll someday understand why fate made our parallel paths cross. Someday, we’ll have the kind of love we both deserve. Thank you so much for every little thing! Until then, I am wishing you the best.

 

Sincerely,

M.

The Hidden Panorama: Lakes Pandin and Yambo

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I always love the idea of discovering majestic places especially those that only few people know about. I am not into getaways with a lot of people in it or in a place where I’ll be part of a huge crowd. I am not that sociable. Ironic, I know. I don’t want to be in a sea of strangers. I am quite introverted. I’d rather stay home than be with people I barely know. I love going to places where I’d certainly find tranquility of the heart, a serene place to think, to reflect, to cast my mind to my favorite days and even to breath a fresh new air- literally and figuratively.

Our mini-trip to Lake Pandin was somehow out of the unplanned. I know ourselves. Planned trips do not always happen. Well, they do. But very rarely. The original plan was a getaway to Enchanted Kingdom. This was planned months ago but since nobody gets the responsibility to buy tickets for the group, we were about to go tabula rasa. Good thing, Jushtine called Manuel, his friend, the night before and asked how much a ticket to EK would cost. We were all surprised that one costs about 800php since it was holiday and it is expected that people will make their vacations worth it.

But God has amazing ways why some things do not go as planned. We rather chose going to Pandin Lake and we immediately looked for its photos online. Thanks to my friends in UP who have been to Pandin months ago, I got this idea. But I contemplated at first because a friend of mine invited me I insisted, going to the same place. But I was feeling under the weather and I unfortunately cannot go on the date we have set. But I and my high school friends planned this the night before. We were four (Jushtine, Romar, Grace and I) on the original plan. But during the morning of our trip, Ate Marian informed us that she’s gonna join. So.. mukhang makukulayan na ang drawing namin. 

Pandin and Yambo lakes are two of the seven lakes in San Pablo. The city is quite near to Sto. Tomas and it is quite sad that I only had the chance to see only one of the seven lakes- Sampaloc. I am working in San Pablo City and the lake is just behind my workplace (school). Sampaloc Lake is becoming part of my everyday monotonous life. And I thank the heavens that I had the chance to see two more. So… four lakes to go!

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HOW TO GET TO PANDIN:

From San Pablo City, ride a jeepney (Ilog bound) at 7/11 near San Pablo Cathedral. Politely ask the driver to drop you off at a tricycle parking space bound to Pandin. Fare is Php350. (This is quite costly because getting to Pandin was really an upheaval.) The road was smooth and there was no traffic but it took us around 30 to 45 minutes to finally get through the lake. We were dropped off at Yambo lake which confused us at first but discovered that Pandin has a twin lake. Haha, seriously! Lake Pandin and Lake Yambo are known to be “Kambal na Lawa” since they are really near to each other. A mini-hike away.

We first went to Yambo Lake and rode a bamboo raft, hiked to get to Pandin. It was only a “mini-hike” but it exhausted me a lot. Yes, adulting, it is! Loljk. I cannot fully remember the details of the cost we have paid and the breakdown of it but we have paid around Php360 pesos each inclusive of foods. The foods include ensaladang pako, grilled tilapia, ginataang hipon, banana, mineral water and fresh buko juice. I didn’t even know that pako (fern) is edible! Poor self. We ate our lunch at the bamboo raft and it was really great! It really felt good. Actually, it was way better than eating your lunch in a restaurant or in a buffet. Very refreshing! At a less-than-Php400 cost, we already had a full and sumptuous meal whilst enjoying the scenic picturesque of the lake.

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The place has amused me in so many ways. I saw how plain the lifestyles of people living in it. Children happily play around, there were no presence of toxic social media among ’em, they do not use gadgets. What a very good way to live each day! Far, far away from the lives of children in the city.

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The lake itself invites positive aura and we undoubtedly felt relaxed. The serenity is perfect for me to think, to breath and appreciate the beauty of nature. The clarity of the water and the melodic sound of it brings nothing but calmness in the one’s ever chaotic heart. The cold breeze of the air is a galaxy against the skin. And the ray of the sun is a torch that liberates me from my every unforgiving ground. Fascinating!

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We went to SM before going home. Bought our favorite donuts and sip a cup of coffee while looking at our photos. It was kinda funny that we dared went malling with dirty shoes/slippers and wet pants/shorts. But.. who cares?

It was a fun adventure, though! A good and quick escape on a whale of a time with persons you enjoy company with. Looking forward to new more adventures this 2018!

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God’s subtle way of telling me I am loved