First Step to the Real World

I was a star lost in the dark. A star that gradually eradicating its brightness as time passes away. A star so distant from the light of the moon. Unsparkling. Losing. Vanishing

I am uncertain if this is worth posting. I just want to share an experience of mine how I was hired for the first time after (finally) leaving the university life and making my initial steps to the “real world”.

The Human Resource Department of Laguna College sent me an e-mail two months after my application. (By the way, Laguna College is my family’s Alma Matter.) I have known that they prefer UP, Ateneo, La Salle graduates and their alumni in the workforce. That was a relief. They were inviting me for a job interview (1st week of April). I immediately responded to their e-mail and showed up on the day they have set. It wasn’t really an interview. It was more of “little talks” about my life. Simple questions were asked and I did not encounter the typical interview questions we normally see and observe. I was just asked light questions like my family background and the school/university I graduated from. I was really chilled and there were no butterflies in my stomach that time unlike my experiences in the previous companies I had interview at.

They called me after a day or two and invited me to conduct a teaching demo. I confirmed and did the actual thing. The thing is, it was the same presentation I demonstrated at Mariwasa where I got my very first rejection. (If you keep on following my blog, might as well, you know the reason why.) However, I somehow modified the slides and made it even better since I will be discussing the topic for more than one hour. The topic was about conspicuous consumption and I focused in the Philippine setting for it to be more interesting. I felt confident presenting the topic to the SocSci (Social Science) class under Professor Calix (unsure of the spelling). The students came from Accountancy and Education division/department. There were five professionals in the panel including Miss Baldrias, the dean of the Education department and Miss Lazado, the Vice President of the university.

Since the topic was about conspicuous consumption and I merely had to magnify it in the local setting, I gave examples near to their hearts– consuming products that are not really necessary but were rather consumed because of the status they bring. It was a fun discussion though, as I saw it, since they were all attentive and enthusiastic as we went along. I gave first an ice breaker, a Logo Quiz, to set up the mood on a hot yet placid afternoon. The consequence was, the losing group should throw a joke or a knock-knock joke at the end of the session. It was followed by an interactive discussion and an evaluation/assessment. I found it hard to think of a way on evaluating or assessing them what they have learned within that particular hour. I hate quizzes– that was really old school and I felt that there was a need for certain kind of innovation. So I ended up conducting a mini pageant since many of us still can’t get over the recent Binibining Pilipinas. I found it quite relevant so I adopted the Q and A portion. I grouped the class into pairs. Each should pick a question from a box and answer it within 30 seconds only. They, I guess, were excited of it. The questions I prepared were light and the answers should come from their hearts. I mean, opinions and reflections. I assessed my students subjectively rather than pressuring them objectively.

And it was all a success! Yay! I did my ALL– more than my very best. I was praised for my job well-done and the panel congratulated me. That moment, I was inch by inch adjusting to the class as I was presenting and it was kinda weird that I didn’t felt any nervousness at all. (Nux! Haha) unlike the feelings I had when I was standing in front of people whenever I report/recite in class. Nahh, it’s just I learned to trust myself more than I trust anybody else. And there can be nothing greater than doing my best in all the things that I do.

Teaching is really a great profession. It makes all other professions possible. I have lots of family members who are in the same profession. And another, it is my passion to engrave knowledge to others whilst continuously learning every day. This is something I look forward to when it comes to finding my job. My first job is really a big deal to me and I want this to be something I know I would love and something I am passionate of. Yes, I never excelled during college. I didn’t even aced an exam. I never belonged to the dean’s list and honor roll. I was just passing my courses. I was just a commoner barbarian kid in UP.

When I applied as a Training Officer in a company, I was really eager to get the job. Because, being a trainer means getting involved with the students- or in that case, workers- and bringing impact to their professional lives. That is something I would like to do, to teach, to train and to lead. The proximity of the work will only fall as a secondary consideration. Thinking of it, this is ideal. It would also be great if I will have teaching in the academe as a good platform for me to venture the real world in a clean slate.

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It just came all of a sudden personal realization that I am not weak and my presentation was not that bad. I mean, it only should take the most suitable people to appreciate and see the best in my work. It’s not that the panel I used to present before wasn’t that great, they are, actually. But I suit better to the people I stood up with for the second time around. I mean, it is not me who was lost and unable to see the right track. It’s just, I have to find the best kind of people whom I can grow and nourish more professionally.

Here’s the thing. I kept on being rejected from different companies I applied for. I applied to so many companies and it’ll take forever if I’m gonna mention ’em all. However, after being interviewed and evaluated, they will end up sending me regret messages and even, not sending follow up messages and results of the interviews and screenings. There were also calls inviting me for an interview yet I didn’t respond. It’s just I felt damn tired waiting and giving myself false hopes over and over again. I felt broken and I bled on the inside. I was too exhausted seeking the best path for me.

For some, they might think that I was thwarting opportunities. Yet for me, it is the other way around. Those “opportunities” kept on putting me on the shredder. For so many times I did try, I wasn’t accepted. I thought it was me who doesn’t fit to the standards they have set. But I now know it was not that. I am not weak. I am not incompetent. I am not unskilled. It’s just I fit to better roles where I know I can further improve. I don’t hold grudges to companies who rejected me. Aside from being so used to such feeling, I still thank them for letting me tackle a better path; for letting me know that I can be stronger than I am today and the day they said “no” to me.

With these, I have nothing and nobody to hold on to except the mighty and benevolent  powers of God Almighty. I lifted everything to God. I cried and prayed earnestly that I may find the light in paving the path I should take. I asked Him to drive the car of my life and I will be passenger sitting on the front seat trusting Him without any doubt, without any words.

Despite the optimism I see from myself, there are still people negating my decision. They keep on asking me why I “fall down” to teaching. That– I should’ve pursued Education as my degree; Teaching must be the ONLY thing I can do. I kept on hearing (and reading) “Sa pagtuturo ka din pala babagsak.”;  “Bakit ka magtuturo, di ka naman teacher?”; “Akala ko ba ayaw mo magturo?”;  “Sadyang wala na ba ga talagang mapuntahan?” and the likes. Thank you for the derogatory words! But hey, I am not belittling them but why can’t they think that teaching is far too better than what they do with their jobs– stapling papers, picking up calls, photocopying and scanning? But geez! I always choose not to ruin my each and every day so I better get rid of all those kinds of persons in my life. Instead of questioning my decisions, why can’t they just get a life instead? And (again), it is myself who would do the job, at the end of the day.

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For quite some time, I felt like giving up and thought of sulking myself in a corner and just quietly bleed. There was a pivotal point between me being a happy person and me having a divided spirit. I temporarily wallowed in pain and shut myself from the world. But still, there were no harvest of barren regret during the moments I’ve tried. Because God wants me to realize deeper things in life and I am sure that He will never left me hanging and let me live my life out of nowhere. I kept on being rejected because God is directing me to a better and clearer path. Cliche as it may sound, there is always something greater waiting as we lose another.

I thank those who see the best in me despite all my weaknesses and downfalls. Those who–in one way or another– believed (and still believe) in me despite the failures I get in life. Thank you for waiting for my right time. I mean, you all never changed. You are still the same friends I have in the whatever hype of my life’s roller coaster ride. You da real MVPs!

And to everyone who I failed, I am not sorry. It is you who put all your expectations high on me and I was this kid who still strove for the best of who I can become. I see that you are only with me during the “up” times. Whenever I achieve something, I pass licensure examinations, pass hard core subjects and get awards. You were there for me during my successes. You were the ones who stood along the peripheral road cheering me on. And I thank you for that. But it was quite disappointing that you were not there with me during the dark times. And you were the ones who slap me with my weaknesses instead of making me feel good, better and more inspired. Your words cut down as hell and it felt like it stabbed me in the back. But yeah, thank you! I know now who I should keep and those I should get off of my life. I am now drawing the lines between us.

I decided to drive my own life and conquer the path I would love to tackle. I will not be this pawn of the system people have designed. I am now brave not to heed the dictates of my fears and listen to my heart this time. I know I should’ve done this long time ago but everything still turned good and it seemed to be my sweetest downfall. Everything still happens for a reason.

It was a smooth week for me. But since I am a newbie in the department and is one of the newest faculty member, I am still adjusting myself– from my daily routine, the culture they practice, my fellows, the students and the kind of work I must perform. Several of the faculty members came from UPLB, some from Ateneo, PNU and Laguna College. It was nice to see fellow alumni from UP.

First week

Monday. Orientation and there was nothing that we did except that we (newly-hired faculty members) were introduced to Grade 11 students in the gymnasium.

Tuesday. I was designated to be the adviser of HUMSS/GAS along with Mr. Flores. Meeting students from both Senior and Junior High was somehow exciting. New faces, new experiences.

Wednesday. I am now the adviser of STEM 4. I alone. And it was a challenge for me. I am inch by inch adapting to everything and I need time to fully understand how it is to be an adviser. I let my students write a letter to their 25-year old self and hoping to give it back to them after n years. I do not know how but let’s see what I can do.

Thursday. The struggle is real. It is. Having fully loaded with seven classes a day is a pain in the arse. Discussing concepts would be good yet the stamina I have preserved for the whole day is gradually losing. Junior high is quite challenging than the seniors.

Friday. Last day. Yayyy! I only have two classes during Fridays. And a three-hour vacant in between. Classes are both in the Junior high. And the only thing I am challenged of is the way I should handle them. They differ (a lot) from Seniors in many aspects. Well, I am still adjusting and I let myself take the adequate time I need.

I do not even know why I am writing this and how should I syntax every fragment. I do not have to let other people know who am I and there is nothing I must prove. It is just, I am tired of explaining myself to people who won’t bother understand. I am just being myself and this is my humble beginning.

These are just few initial steps of the long journey I will going to explore. And along the road, I will keep only the positive people and might as well leave others behind who will hinder me as I move along. This is the real fight and I am now ready to conquer you, real life!

I was a star lost in the dark. Not knowing that a star shines more brightly during the darkest hour.

UPLB Sablay 2017

“Congratulations, Mhae.”  Most beautiful words that seemed music to my ears. I just graduated from UP last Saturday (June 24, 2017). Cheers!

I am celebrating my success. After the n years of hardwork, tears, joy, doubt and fear, I am now here. I have officially graduated from the university that used to be my second sanctuary– the home where my heart grew and my soul bloomed.

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I can’t help it but mesmerize all the memoirs and gather all these thoughts on top of my head after reaching for this success. Going back to the first days I’ve stepped my foot in the university grounds, to the day I became its student, to the day I’ve stepped out of UP, thoughts kept on baffling in me.

I’ve known the existences of University of the Philippines Los Baňos back in 2008. I was in my Second Year back then when one of my high school teachers, Mam Alice Maligalig, let me join a scientific gathering among the seniors. I was once a mere observer that time. I was with the senior delegates from our school competing for their Science Investigatory Project. I can still remember, that time, Mam Maligalig told/asked me: “Ang ganda dito, ano? Ikaw, gusto mo dito pumasok sa college? Galingan mo lalo.” I just smiled. I have no idea how does it seem to go to college. I was thirteen.

I took the UPCAT (University of the Philippines College Admission Test) on August 7, 2010 not because I want to but because my mother, Ninong and cousin wanted to. So, I did. Bahala na kung papasa o hindi. Feeling ko naman hindi kawalan. I didn’t even review for the exam. I just do not want to get my hopes up for only to be let down. I even submitted my UPCAT Application form three days after the deadline. Power! I did not have any concrete plan before where to go to college, what course to take or whatsoever. I was savoring on the last year of my high school life and that’s it. Guilty to say, but I didn’t care about my future. All that matters to me is today.

It was January 5, 2011 when I heard the good news. I passed UPCAT! Ate Joy texted me and sent me her congratulatory messages. I checked it online. And legit! Pumasa nga ako. I can still recall from my memory how my mother jumped into joy upon hearing the best news– so far. She was extremely happy and was excited to enroll me to the university. And so enrollment came. My parents were beside me in each and every moment. From falling in (very long) lines, filing/submitting documents, Campus tour, looking for dorms and all. I can no longer ask for more. They are the best parents one could ever have.

Living my parents and relatives’ dream for me was something I’ve earned to adopt to. As I go on with my (pointless) directions in life, I unconsciously learned to love UP, the life here and the dreams I started drawing in the constellations of stars. I dreamt of becoming a doctor. I loved the biological sciences. But as time passed by, that dream gradually vanished. *sobbs* I then found my interest and passion in the social sciences. And even dreamed of becoming a lawyer someday. This little reverie of mine still hung in the air, but it would never be more than a few golden memoirs and a bundle of “what if’s”. 

I shifted course, from BS Mathematics and Science Teaching major in Biology and took up BA Sociology. The road wasn’t and will never be easy. From my day-to-day life in the laboratory, mixing up chemicals, dissecting organisms and classifying microscopic life has transformed to skimming and scanning bulk of reading materials, going to and fro the social field, interviewing people in all walks of life, listening to multiple narratives, statistical analyses, transcribing and writing and presenting technical papers. But I never harvested a barren of regret upon making this brave decision back then.

Surviving the UP life was a matter of life and death. Studying a number of topics in a day while attending classes, gathering data and writing papers and manuscripts– name it! I will not mention all the instances when I felt that my world was about to collapse. It might take forever to cite all. My body was squandered, mind was deteriorated, fingers were calloused, soul was tormented and my heart was broken.

Life got real hard for me. I didn’t had lots of friends and that felt strange. I used to be someone who knows numerous people back in high school. Anywhere I go, anywhere I cast my eyes at, there is someone I know. Someone I am friends with. All of a sudden, that changed. I was alone most of the time. I can count my college friends in my fingers. I didn’t have barkada I can turn to in times of sorrows and despair. I never knew how to conceal this discomfiture I was feeling. I missed home, too. My family, childhood friends, my bed, the noise, the chirping of the birds and all. The university was once a toxin absorbed by my whole system. I always wanted to escape from that cold unforgiving ground and discover an abyss and find my way home. Oftentimes, I wallowed in pain alone and wanted to shut myself from the world. I was the only one who hushed myself when I couldn’t do anything but cry all the pain and worries in my heart out.

But no matter how hard and tumultuous my university life was, I still found massive joy in my heart. Here are few reasons why I found my UP life worthwhile.

  1. I learned how to be independent, that I can never depend on others all the time. It is myself whom I can solely depend on. And it is always a mean for me to be stronger.
  2. I also realized that I cannot keep everyone. The day-to-day reality that I was with different persons in each every class is a subtle indication that people come, people go. And you cannot wish them to stay. Only the true ones will remain and others were meant to have a mere cameo-appearances in our lives. Maybe we need this to see ourselves grow and discover more things as we venture along.
  3. I found my brave heart in UPLB. I learned to be bold and take risks. Cause only those who would risk can possibly determine how far can they go.
  4. I found a home in UPLB. That no matter how strange and difficult life gets, I can always get home, take a rest, breathe and fight again.
  5. I got to know what the word “patience” meant more. It took me 5.5 semesters to graduate. And from that, I realized that graduation is not a race, never about who came and finished first. There is no timer set for success. It is more of learning things in life whilst enjoying the picturesque view of the race.
  6. Lasty, God has always a better plan. Cliche and overrated as it may sound. But factual. I kept the faith in my heart and prayed most of the time. In best and worst time, I talk to God. He knows all that I keep in my heart even before I compose and say the words. God will never left me hanging. There He is, no matter what I go through in life.

Learning isn’t solely confined in the four corners of the classroom and the function halls. It traverses all across every line. It is even possible to learn from the both ends of the rainbows and the multi-colored unicorns. Learning may come from a hurricane. Learning comes from north to south like it does from alpha and omega. But the best thing I’ve learned from my mundane UP life is to learn something from failures and success. Learning is the foundation for survival and determination is the foundation of success.

*so fast forward to graduation day* *plays aida march by Harmonya UPLB*

June 24, 2017. University Graduation.

T’was held at DL Umali Freedom Park. I can sense its solemnity. I dunno but I felt that the place radiates positive vibes. I felt excited to receive my (fake) diploma. The event’s call up time was 1:30pm and the procession started at exactly 3pm. I arrived few minutes before 2pm. Waiting for more than an hour with 5-inch heels on was a pain in the arse. #TiisGanda But G lang! Ngayon pa ba ako susuko? I and my coursemates/collegemates got inside the tent early since we came second among all the colleges. But that was not a good thing! That meant standing all throughout the processional march until all the 2500-ish graduates finally get in. And we were standing until 5pm. Imagine my sore legs.

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Senator Dick Gordon arrived few minutes after 3o’clock via chopper. Meaning, he must leave the place on or before 5pm. But since the procession ended at around 5pm, there was nothing he can do but to wait and deliver his speech afterwards. I was impressed by him– the way he delivered his speech, the message he conveyed, his accomplishments and his patience during the processional march. I’ve seen him a couple of times and must I say, he is one of the best politicians we have nowadays. (See his speech’s transcript here.)

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The names of the graduates were then called. Good thing, we were the second college to receive our diplomas next to College of Agriculture and Food Sciences since it was alphabetically arranged. But since our college (College of Arts and Sciences) is the biggest college in UPLB and has produced around 700 graduates, we remained standing until the last person under CAS has been called. Hello, sore-r legs! What was only good during that time was, I get to have selfies with my friends/fellow graduates while waiting.

(Forgive me for the oily face. Haggard na ang lola mo!)

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With too much fatigue, muscle cramps, hunger and dehydration, the commencement exercises ended at around 11pm. It officially ended with beautiful fireworks to light up the sky after we sang UP Naming Mahal where I got to experience goosebumps. But imagine a deprived self who has last eaten her meal at 10am. I thought I was about to pass out too. Some graduates needed medical attention since they passed out during the processional march. Good thing I brought a tumbler of water. I kept myself (a little) dehydrated.

But here. Let me thank all those who have been part and parcel of my success. Despite all my imperfections and shortcomings, I’d like to extend my deepest gratitude and sincerest appreciation to those who- in one way or another- made my college journey full of sugar and spice. Cheers!

To my Inay, Tatay, Aan and the rest of my loving family, thank you from the bottom of my heart! Thank you for constantly loving me through all these years and for always believing in my spirit. Thank you for picking me up when I’m down. Thank you for never giving up on me. You were the person who stood by me through all these . In constant pain, in temporary happiness, in failures, success and every little achievement. This success is really for you. I love you to the moon and back.

To all my friends in all walks of life, batchmates, colleagues, Narralites 1011, I am also sharing with you this success. Thank you for cheering me on whenever I feel that I am about to give up. Thank you for showering all the unicorns and rainbows in my grayscale world. Kampay!

To all the friends I found in UP, thank you! It was nice seeing us conquering the battles not only in the academic arena but more of in life. Our sleepless nights and hard work has paid off and is paying off. Fight for Sablay. Padayon!

To Mam Lei Pangilinan, and the rest of the DSS Faculty, thank you so much! I am very honored and privileged to have great mentors like you. I learned so much from the discipline. I never and will never regret accepting the ‘invitation to sociology’.

To my former teachers and advisers since pre-school to high school, thank you so much for the best foundation. I owe you every little thing I’ve learned before I begin stepping my foot at UPLB. Thank you for your patience and constant understanding. I hope I made you all proud. 

To Ninong Edwin and Ate Essel, thank you for forcing me to take UPCAT. I wouldn’t be here if you did not drag me to take the exam.

To every Filipino taxpayer, salute! Tax is mandatory but I promise to serve the people in my own little ways. Serve the country!

To those heartless creatures who doubted me, thanks to you still. You boosted the inner courage sleeping in me. But I surely won’t need you in the next chapters in my life.

To everyone who supported and cheered me all the way through- from day first until the day I finally get my Sablay- those who sent me simple text messages, tweets, comments, facebook messages, I greatly appreciate those little things. Thank you all so much!

To UP Naming Mahal, thank you for everything! You are my home away from home, my serendipity and my sweetest downfall.

To myself, you did it with flying colors! You summoned all the flecks of courage in you like little zaps from somewhere in your bloodstream. You wanted to conquer the world but you’ve done better as you conquered yourself. Best things are yet to come. I am so proud of you! Congratulations, self!

And to the Greatest Sociologist above all, thank You, Father for giving me strength and fiery determination. Thank You for all the stories of failures and success. You are the reason why I am here and the reason why I exist.

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Saludo po ako sa inyong lahat!

Recalling Mam Alice’s words back then, “Ang ganda dito, ano? Ikaw, gusto mo dito pumasok sa college? Galingan mo lalo.”  I now know my response. “Opo. Maganda po ang UPLB. Madami ako natutunan, hindi lamang sa loob ng klasrum, kundi mga aral sa buhay. Ginusto ko po dito at muli’t-muli ay gugustuhin. At alam ko sa sarili kong ginalingan ko..” Graduate na ako! Must I say, THAT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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Signing off

Sunday Serenade |04

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It’s been a while. How’re you doing, guys? Did we all bid summer goodbye? Some already get back to “life’s reality”, missed schools and universities. Some of us are enjoying vacations still, some may be planning to go on a trip or the likes. But anyhoo, here’s a set of life songs I made so we’ll all have a more inspired (and even better) day. I am also spreading all the good vibes I am radiating within myself. Y’know, I will be receiving my graduation rites two weeks from now, yihaaaa! And I cannot be more excited than this. So here, I hope you’ll enjoy.

  1. Fight Song – Rachel Patten

2. Masterpiece – Jessy J

3. Defying GravityGlee

4. How Far I’ll Go –  Diamond White & KHS version

5. Brave – Sara Bareilles

6. Titanium – David Guetta ft. Sia

7. Invisible Hunter Hayes

8. Superheroes – The Script

9. BreakawayKelly Clarkson

10. The ClimbMiley Cyrus

11. Roar – Katy Perry

12. Scars to your Beautiful

 

Life is good. Happy Sunday!

To every mom all over the world

For all those years you raised us with love
Unconditional, never-ending, helped us survive
Your womb was our most tranquil home
Where our little selves were initially honed

For all those times you dragged us to school
Made us educated so as not to be fooled
You inched us closer to better tomorrow
To live in peace and never in sorrow

For all those moments you read us fairytales before we sleep
We imagined how beautiful life in your every flip
We traversed all the ages a thousand times
And imagined ourselves as characters of the story line

For every morning you woke us up with your nag
Starting the day shouting us out so loud
You taught us that each day is a brand new hope
And seize it with the best things we can think of

For all those days you held our hands when we felt weak
You were the strongest person beside us to stick
You held us captive and again lets us stand
No matter how many times we fall on the ground

For all those times you wiped all our tears away
Stayed with us when things go astray
When pain and heartbreaks seem inevitable
And the dreams we built starts to fall

For all those times you became the best cheerleader in town
Never left our side whether we’re up and we’re down
Proudly raises our fists like a champ
Ever supportive, we’ve never felt like a dumb

You are the strongest person we know.
You deserve this world’s ever glow.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Blurred Lines

There is this one person in my life who stayed with me and caught me after my very first heartache several years ago. He has been there when I was picking up the stubborn little pieces of my broken heart. He made me happy in so many ways which made our friendship got even stronger. We shared laughters, tears, sorrows and even the most random stories we have for a day. Though we haven’t seen each other more often than before, I am certain that he is still the same person I’ve known. Nothing has ever changed.

A random day on a summer night back then, he mustered all his courage to confess his “love” for me. He said he was in love with me and asked my permission if he can court me. Having the broken heart, I cannot say yes. I still love the person who has had my heart torn into pieces. Plus, I still see him as a very good friend than my man.

We had the same kind of friendship for years already, even if I know that he has special feelings for me. We remained the same old friends we have been since then. I was there for him and so he was. We tease each other, tell random jokes and stories. Hang-out once in a while since we have lots of common friends. Everything was always smooth between us. For most of the time we are parted by the oceans, nevertheless, we are always united by the same blue sky.

Until I’ve known that he was with someone else and I was left in this cold unforgiving ground. All of a sudden, he drifted away. Without me knowing, he bid his subtle goodbye. Weird, but it felt like I was broken as if we had this kind of social romantic relationship. This is the goddamn rude moment in my life that I came to realize that one does not need to engage into a romantic kind of relationship to get hurt and eventually know what it means to live in this life, to see how love can change a person, to feel how love can badly hurt.

I do not have the right to get mad and let this fury out of my system since there is no comittment between us. I do not know where I should stand and what should I think of. This feeling which wormed to the very core of my heart is quite familiar. I have encountered this one from years ago and it’s somehow cruel that I still feel the same way. Same drama, same pain, same fire but with a different person now. I felt cheated. I felt stabbed. And it kills like hell. I felt all the tiniest pain that overwhelmed my shattered heart. Every time I look at the sky and the clouds, I used to think that this person will make a significant change in my day-to-day monotonous life. That he’s gonna be someone who will bring a magical impact to me in one way or another. But today, the silver lining of that cloud is the fact that he is now gone. But yep. It is not his fault, any way. It is my atrocious mistake to think of such thoughts and expect those to become a reality out of the virtual world I created. My expectations towards this person caused me to crash and burn into disillusionment since it didn’t pan out.

And now he’s coming back. Very timely when I am now used to this kind of rejection and I have already accepted deep in my heart that he’s gone, figuratively. That he is now into someone else and he is genuinely happy at the moment. I really do not know what am I gonna do or what are the best words to say. Or should I ignore whatever it is that I think and feel? Or should I confess? Or what? Will I be agonizing the pain? Should I take the risk of falling in love and set our friendship aside? Cause it feels like I am just becoming his rebound just to get back to the floor again. I do not know either. I do not know how to conceal this discomfiture I am feeling. These thoughts are all in disarray, heading to nowhere and leading back to my mind. The whole thing just started bouncing off the wall over and over again. There are a lot more baffled thoughts I have on top of my head. And the more I think, the more questions are hitting me. And every blow, I helplessly take while tossing and turning endlessly on the cold bed that I would never get to share.

I want him to make efforts and take risks. I am now over patiently waiting and settling for less than I know I deserve. That, love alone is not always enough and it is too overrated. Truth be told, I am also after the personality of the person. I want someone who will fight against all odds just to prove that I am loved. I want someone who will make sacrifices just to be with me and will believe that every sacrifice will never go astray. I want someone who will make the little efforts to seize every moment with me. C’est la vie! I want someone who will offer me the entire galaxy when all I ask is a single planet. Someone worthy letting my walls down for.

I am not closing any of my doors and I am uncertain what’s going to happen next. I am trusting the plans of the Lord as to whatever He intends for the both of us. But I thank that person sincerely, for letting me feel whatever it is.

I am still after your happiness. I want you to pave even the most crooked path you need to take if it will make you happy. I do not know if I love you already or am I this selfish to own you this time. I am uncertain of myself, and the world. Nonetheless, I am still and will always be here for you even if we have this kind of blurred lines between our hearts.

Scarlet Love

Fate has brought us together in this cruel world
I was nothing but a drop of the oceans unfold
You were the heaven that mirrors the water’s delight
But I can only reach you through my eyesight

Love has made our parallel paths cross
Not knowing that we’ll meet with a purpose
You gave meaning to my mere existence
By just letting me feel your entire presence

With you, I don’t veil grudges and contempt at all
Unconsciously knowing our hearts will eventually fall
I wasn’t scared to love and get a little too deep
I was just wearing my heart upon my sleeve

You fought for the love we strongly held
I fearlessly stood up for the two of us so brave
But no matter what we do, the world always contradicts
Uncertain of this life so unfair, couldn’t mitigate deceit

I set you free and we began to quietly drift away
Without any single word to say
But I still waited for the day you will arrive
To the moment we’ll be together again, I did strive

I held you captive at the back of my mind
Distinctive memories that wafts by my side
Your smell forever haunts my nose
Even the howling sound of the wind as it blows

Answered prayer, we again met at the end of the road
My love and longing for you is still in a stronghold
Slowly gleaned at each other straight in the eyes
Reached each one as if we’re walking on a thin ice

That was the last farewell I could ever bid you, my love
I have to gently lose you for us to survive
We veer from each other away, threw everything
Sadly, for us, there is no such thing as happy ending

This isn’t the world where our hearts shall not be in pain
But I’ll traverse all the time and ages to meet you again
There’s the piece of your memoir I’ll forever keep in my heart
With open arms, I’m gladly accepting everything, if this is how we part

 I’ll be yours until my dying day. You were my scarlet love.

Fangirling: 10 People I Admire

Been seeing much posts of my Facebook friends sharing photos, videos and other sorts of things featuring the persons they love doing fangirling at, or those they find doubtlessly amazing. I am joining the bandwagon and I am sharing this post to every fan girl all over the world. Here’s ten amazing people (in no particular order) I am looking up to. #Fangirling101

1. Inay and Tatay. The best persons I know. Well, it is given that every parent would do and pursue for the best-to the fullest they can ever be- for their children. And it’s a big fact to my parents. They did more than they could ever do for me and Aan. They’ve done more than enough to raise us, give us quality education, feed us and doubtlessly give everything we need to us. In this world, I might only need a single planet, but Inay and Tatay gave me the whole galaxy.

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2. Dr. Nicole Curato. I admire her personal views and opinions. She has a very excellent way of expressing her thoughts and a special skill in integrating these to the field of sociology and social issues. She has excellent analytical skills that she shares to everyone, especially students, but not bombarding them with too much sociological jargons which might alienate people not inclined to social sciences. Dr. Curato has a very good way of embarking lessons, thoughts and critical analyses that can, in one way or another, challenge one’s thinking. I have witnessed few of her talks- in UPLB, in television and have read some of her articles printed and online. Such a very intelligent agent of sociology.

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3. Emma Watson. Who wouldn’t admire her beauty and charm? With such a perfect face, body and wit, guess everybody would have a feeling of jealousy towards her. Her eyes are jewels, sparkling and forbidding. Her smile is a beacon, beckoning us to speak. She’s an epitome of success too. She is a quintessential woman. A breath of fresh air for 90’s kids who believed in the magical spell of the red rose. She’s got an extraordinary appeal that traverses all ages and social brackets. She’s my Belle.. everyone’s Belle.

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Hirap pumili ng picture, mga bes!

 

4. Prof. Aňonuevo. He’s Sir Augut, a senior faculty member of the Department of Social Sciences in UPLB. He was my professor in few of my major courses back in college. And I might say, he is the best professor I had during my stay in the university. He is intelligent, considerate and very passionate towards his craft. He teaches really well and demonstrates Honor and Excellence. Here’s a confession: Sir Augut was the only faculty I gave straight perfect scores during SET (Student Evaluation fro Teachers). For my friends outside UPLB, I’d like you to know that in the university, students are given the “right” to evaluate their teachers based on some criteria that should fit the university motto “Honor and Excellence”. It comes in Likert scale, assessment of self, description of how the course/s is/are being taught and a space for suggestion/s in further improving the course.

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Couldn’t find a solo picture of Sir Augut. So I’m grabbing this photo from Ate Amanda, an advisee of Sir Augut cause I really love this letter. 

5. Lang Leav and Michael Faudet. I am (and will forever be) in love with the words of Lang Leav and Michael Faudet. Their my favorite poets and I take time to read few of their beautiful works whenever time permits. Unfortunately, I haven’t got any of their books. (Sad life) Friends reading this, I will be receiving my graduating rites on June 24 and (ehem!) if you’re thinking of a present, their books would be best. Haha!

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6. Sen. Miriam Santiago. I featured her already. If you are a frequent reader of my blog, you might have read my article about how did I get the chance to see MDS. She will forever be in my heart and I believe she is always an inspiration to many Filipinos especially to the youth. I don’t have to reiterate why do I admire her. Her existence as a full-fledged woman of character and strength is a journey that has been available to the public eye. Not much words to feature her. Simply I can say, she’s an awesomely excellent public servant! … and the best president we all never had.

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7. Sir Eli Iňigo. Sir Eli was my recitation instructor in PI 10 (Life and Works of Rizal). He’s really cool teacher. He has a peculiar way of engaging the students to the course. Sideline story: I feared history back then. I was never into it during high school. I didn’t appreciate any of it during those days years.. not until I took PI 10 (naks!). Back in high school, we were bombarded with too many names of people, places, dates and a lot, lot more that we need to memorize to pass quizzes and exams. Too tell everyone honestly, I am not really good at memorization. I am frequently mentally blocked. memorization sucks and it kills like hell. But Sir Iňigo’s approach was quite different. It was not memorization per se, it was more of understanding and getting a sense of thought from the topics.

He can also memorize the names and even the place of birth or the birth dates of his students. Yes. Imagine! He had several large classes but he’d known some of the details of his students’ profiles. I have encountered two faculty members who can do that thing- Sir Eli and Mam Galano, my PSY1 instructor/professor.

Moreover, Sir Eli has been very generous when it comes to giving points/grades. He made too much bonuses for the class to… *clears throat* survive.

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The story behind this ID photo. Haha

8. The Script and Coldplay. The beats of their drums, the electrifying sound of the guitar, and their voices sway me in so many fascinating ways. The lyrics come across from a corner to another and the melody of their songs pulsate now in my veins. Equally excellent. Whenever I have long travel (which I love to do) alone, I always put my earphones on, escape the world and just listen to the songs of The Script and Coldplay. Music has always been a reliever of my stress.

Coldplay will be having their concert days from now. Urgggh! Wala akong ticket, di ko afford! </3

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9. Pia Wurtzbach. Queen P is more than a pretty face that could launch a thousand ships. She is more of an epitome of an empowered woman aware and cares about current social issues and has the confidently beautiful heart for the youth as the strength of the universe. What I also admire about Pia is that, she keeps her dreams and aspirations on a stronghold. They say, timing is everything. And this couldn’t been more true to Pia. Despite facing a couple of rejections, she is a woman on a mission. She doesn’t give up things she is passionate about and pursue them with all her might.

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Mas maliwanag pa ang kilikili ni Pia kaysa sa kinabukasan ko.

10. Sec. Gina Lopez. I admire her for being courageous enough to stick to what she believes is right. It is a good manifestation of a brave Filipina- someone who stands independently on her beliefs and does decisions based on empirical facts and considers the sake of the many. I salute her for having the heart for Mother Earth, not as a call of duty alone, but trully an advocate of nature.

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Salute y’all! I am your fan.

An Open Letter to my Future Husband

I am tapping the keyboard out of nowhere. I just want to write a letter for you, my future one. I am uncertain when will you happen to read this. But if time comes that we’re in each other’s arms, I want to look back to it and let you know how much I thought of you tonight.

I do not know if we met already. Or did I get to bump in with your broad shoulders? Or did I get to sit next to you? Or had I exchanged random conversation with you? Or were you a stranger I had encountered one time? I don’t know, either.

But if after years you happened to read this, I just want you to know that I prayed for you earnestly, long time ago.. until now. I am continuously asking God to let you intervene in my life on the right time, in the right place, at the right moment. I pray that you’ll come to me prepared in all the aspects of your life. I am hoping that, you have a very strong faith that I am the queen of your life. That, you’ll never cheat on me and break my heart. That you prayed for me to come into your life as well. Are you also begging the universe the same whole thing?

I also want you to know that a beautiful romance was perfectly written among us- two strangers- who happened to meet in the midst of this cruel world. You are the light at the end of the tunnel I have tackled to find you. Before my eyes, you became the person who made me believe in love again, the heart that made me believe in my own heart’s strength. Once more. Without a question, you became my hope.

I always imagine days full of love with you. From the first glance of the beautiful rays of sunlight ’till the calming view of the dusk, I’ll stay beside you. I’ll trace kisses all over your face and to anywhere my lips would land against your skin. We’ll embrace each other as my arms resting in your shoulders and your hands fill the curves on my waist (Yes, curves! Hahaha). We’ll stare at each other until we melt unconsciously. We will exchange genuine smiles, enough to send chills down to our spines. Your laughter will fuel my world and mine will take the rainbow to your palm. There’ll never be a dull day with you, my love.

I can’t wait to have you, dear one. I can’t wait until we create a world exclusively for the two of us. I want to run after you on an empty hectare of land as the cold air breezes, gliding through the field of grass and fascinating parched leaves fall down rusting over our ears. Indeed, its flux of motion is kind of pacifying and renders a spell-bound sentiment. We’ll stare at the sparkling stars made by God for the two of us. You’ll lay on my lap as I caress your hair with my hand.. till you fell asleep. I’ll be watching you rest, memorizing your every detail. Every line, every fiber on your face. I’ll be watching you until the moment you open your eyes. Until I dream of you in my deep sleep.

But, my love, I cannot promise you a perfect life with me. I myself is a complicated person, you’ll know that. What I can only promise is, life with me is never going to be easy. But it’s going to be worth it. And if ever a rude storm comes, together, we’ll still stay. Life is never made to wait and let the storms pass. It’s about dancing in the rain while feeling the wind like we’re flying. We will dance in the rain like a foolish person trying to hype up for a long day ahead. Our love will move the tidal waves of pain away.

I am single for years because I am preparing my heart just for you. I am also fixing my life and preparing those lovely days, weeks, months and years for you. Until we grow old together. And when everything seems perfect, I believe God will let our paths cross.

I’ll be waiting for you. Will you wait for me, too?

Love,

M.

Rejection is part of the game

I finally mustered all my courage to ask if what I am pursuing will serve its purpose at the end. After days weeks of thinking what it could be, or what it might have been, I gathered all the courage in my heart to know the truth or the current status of this thing I am eagerly pushing to have. I am writing this because writing has always been my outlet for these heavy emotions I am feeling right now. It feels like my heart is being stomped on and I cannot afford to lose myself so I’m letting this out.

I applied for about a month ago to the company where I conducted my internship during the midyear. It was offered to me by Sir AJ, my internship coordinator and my mentor during my two-month stay. He encouraged me to apply for the position he is going to leave back then. And I, upon having the zealous desire to work for the company, grabbed the opportunity. I promised Sir AJ that as soon as I finished my last semester in UP, I am going to apply for his position. He meddled on my application. He let me send him my resume and he will be the one to review and print it out as he will be lending his resignation letter to the managers. He even made pray-overs on me (he’s Born Again Christian, anyway) so I can be accommodated soon. There is so much I am grateful for to Sir AJ. Indeed, he’s one of the best.

It was the second week of January when he called me and invited me for a training demo as ordered by Miss Sonia, one of the managers. Days after the interview. I even cancelled my appointment with my practicum adviser for some documents I should accomplish right away. I came prepared. I came with my fourteen-slide powerpoint presentation I worked for five hours, more or less. I practiced what I should say or how am I gonna deliver each and every slide. I was managing my time so well so it won’t exceed for five minutes, as they have mandated. My topic was about the kinds of consumers and I have incorporated the topic in the industrial setting. I delivered my presentation well which made me somehow feel relieved. The comments were good. That, I have wide vocabulary. That, my topic was interesting and that was the only time they were informed about it. That, I’ve shown pictures which didn’t bring them into boredom. That, I even inserted an icebreaker so attention can be caught. And overall, my performance was good for a “beginner”. Negative comments were just minor. Like, I should establish more eye contact, and suggested to walk or feel the entirety of the stage.

Despite all of these, I was put to the shredder. It’s heartbreaking to know that I got rejected by the company I was dreaming to work at so many years ago. It was a company near to me and I would love to work here someday. But like any other thing, there is never a certain one in this world. What you feel you can have today could turn out to be something you will lose tomorrow.

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The reason, as reiterated to me by Sir Pajoms is that, the one who was hired can deliver impromptu speech/lecture during that time. If only I was informed that they are looking for someone who can deliver lectures and demos on the spot, I should’ve done the same thing! I am used to doing that same old story. I even made a spontaneous speech in front of hundreds of people in different races and faces during the Recognition Day of the scholars last July. Back in college, I can present a lecture, even a chapter, for 15 to 20 minutes without getting enough sleep the previous night. I was always caught by a surprise essay in an exam. I was good during my Speech Communication 1 class and has delivered four impromptu speeches and demonstrations. I believe I can do the same thing.. if only they let me.

It will be more acceptable for me if I knew that the reason why I was not the one to be hired is that, she is better than me. Or that, she is more qualified than I am. Or she delivered a more interesting topic (kinds of leadership). Or she incorporated it more in the setting/context. But I exhausted Sir Paj to tell me the reason/s why I got rejected. That was, she can deliver impromptu demo- which I know I can also do.

I honestly did not use my being UP as an ID for me to get the job. Not even my licence as a passer of the recent National Civil Service Exam for Professional level which I passed on my first take. It is something I always bear in mind when competing with others. But this does not mean that I am not proud that I graduated from the premier university in the country and I am already a professional. It’s just I want to prove that I can make some things work because of my ability, strength and all my might and not because of the prestige of the university where I graduated. I simply used me, just being myself.

I believe I am well-equipped with the qualifications I need to get that job. I believe I have enhanced myself and is now prepared to be part of the corporate world. But this is life. It gets unfair and unfair and this is what reality is. I got rejected for so many times in my life and this is no new story. It has been told to me as I open chapters in the book of my life. I am SO used getting rejections. And it shouldn’t sting like this. I would rather be rejected straight to my face than to keep me waiting for something I am not certain about. I should’ve not held on to this opportunity when in the end, it will not fall into my hands. I was very optimistic that I’ll get it and I believed that my dream of working with those amazing people and professionals will soon come true. But I was wrong. I should’ve seen the other side of the coin. That is, I might fail and be rejected- once again.

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To tell you sincerely, I love the job Sir AJ has just left. I love being with people in all walks of life, not only to teach/train them but also to learn something in return. I’d love to see faces I can be friends with. I’d love working at and for the community and the sectors of the society, at times. I love being involved to many different projects, developmental works and events making me flustered by the fruit of the sweat I am going to perspire. I would want to work from the bottom to the top. I am willing to do the simplest things- the cutting of tapes, printing of nicknames and all. And the most fulfilling part of the job is to see people learning from you. It’s you who made them know such things- be it the smallest matters or the biggest ones. This is the kind of ideal job I would like to have the very first time I step on the world outside the university. Something not routinary, something fulfilling, something I can learn from. But I guess, this is not just for me.

This job I prayed hard for has just vanished and I should get over it. Can somebody slap me and wake me up to the harshness of reality? Can somebody please tell me that this is life and I should get used to it? And after that, I want to be surrounded by a warm embrace. I want someone who will say,  “it’s okay to be horrible and feel the pain of rejection”. “It’s okay to get lost at times.” “It’s okay to cry.” “It’s okay to curse the world.” “It’s okay that you let go of things you dreamt of for so long.” “Mhae, you’ll eventually get good cause you’re one of the best.” “Better ones will come knocking at your door.” Words pierce my heart and it’ll kill me if somebody would degrade or tease me I didn’t qualified. Even if it’s delivered as a joke. Hey! You don’t know how it hurts and you never know how I really wanted to get in.

Maybe, I was already blessed with the experiences I just gained in the company. I became their scholar. I was part of the scholar’s annual ceremony twice. I delivered speeches on 2014 and 2016. And I know I did inspire fellow students. I became an intern. I was able to do research on them. And these are more than enough. It’s other’s turn. And I should accept that this journey has somehow ended with the moment I waved goodbye to Sir Paj as he was teasing me to bring pasalubong the next time I come back. I moved out of the glass door, without myself knowing that that was the last moment I will be at the company premises and in the arms of the HR team.

Maybe I was just too clingy not to let go. Maybe it was me who gave myself false hopes and ended up losing something I am not sure of. Maybe I am overreacting on this, that this also happens to millions of people who struggle on the same situation. Or maybe, hurtful as it could be, I was not just too good enough for them.

I feel so sorry for myself. Today, I felt like a loser. Circumstances are making me feel that others are always better than me or that, they are more pleasing that I am. I dunno. I am starting to doubt myself. I know, I should not. But it’s always easier said than done. I am starting to embark on being pessimistic again and seeing the glass half-empty than half-full.

Perhaps, this is not really meant to be mine. This isn’t my fate. But I still trust the plans of God whatever it is that He wanted me to be someday. And I am not questioning Him why I didn’t make it. I may not know the reason yet, but definitely, there is. I believe there are better things the Lord has written for me. And I trust His timing. I know everything will fall perfectly in its designated places.

To the people I met in Mariwasa, who turned out to be my friends, thank you so much! I found such a good camaraderie among you, Mam and Sir. You’ve been so nice to me and I will forever be grateful to that. May all the goodness you bring come back to you a hundredfold. I am hoping to see you again.

I’ll get through this and I know I will take a step ahead again. And when I do, everybody will see how braver I become. And as to myself, you’ve been good. Really. *pats shoulder*  Don’t worry. When the sun goes down, the stars come out. And your stars will definitely shine- even brighter. Stay real.

A Shade of Gray

It’s been a while since you promised me that you’ll be mine
Waited forever to cast the darkness away so our love will shine
While I wait, I’m holding on to those beautiful words you said
And still hoping that everything will perfectly fall instead

I am uncertain if staying with you will be worth the wait
For some odd reason, I’d love to start on a clean slate
But I am brave enough to keep myself hanging
Than to lose you without myself knowing

I lay under my bed sheets asking myself and overthinking
Are you still behind the other side of our closed door standing?
Are you still keeping me your promises?
Or is it now a thousand little pieces of broken glasses?

Hit me with the hardest sound of  ‘goodbye’
Than not to look at me straight in the eye
I’d rather get instantly rejected and quietly bleed
Than to give myself false hopes and stupidly believe

I shut the door out and reserved to you the place
But the vacancy is still filled out by dull empty spaces
Not because I don’t want others to meddle and intervene
But because it’s your hands I wanted to keep my heart in

I am patiently waiting for your sincerest response
Unmindful if it’s gonna flutter or kill my heart once
The thing is, I gave you all the way my trust
Even if forever exists but do not truly last

If you’re gonna be in my arms, do arrive
I’m in the midst of confusion, help me survive
Let me start a new chapter with the one I love
So it will be one of a kind book of my life

But dear one, do not be afraid to put my hands down
Do not feel guilty, never take a frown
It’s me who believed that you were totally different
And you were someone I can fully trust instead

I know how to keep words ’till they become real
Even if everything’s turning out surreal
It’s not that I am desperate to inch myself to you
Because, baby, I’m still looking up to you