Hard Days and Night

“and I am living like a dog…”

True, indeed.

I am ULTRA MEGA SUPER STRESSED this past few days  weeks  months. I just got home from school. My two early classes were set to be a research break and a synthesis day. So, yes! Walang pasok. But I got exam on 4 to 5:30. My Political Sociology class. I haven’t got the chance to enjoy my “free hours” because I have to review.

That exam was a pain in the arse. Seriously, I didn’t expect that would be as difficult as such. There were two parts of the exam, but both were identification. The first part was identification of the terms and theories and concepts being described and the other was still identification. But this time, the theorists. My God! This is what I hate! MEMORIZATION. I do not know how to memorize well, seriously. I would rather explain a big theory and provide a concrete and realistic example of it than to memorize the names of people, the sociologists and the involuted concepts. I cannot even memorize the names of my classmates and it’s kinda hard for me to recognize their faces. How can I memorize the names of these sociologists and theorists who I can just meet in my readings and notes?

I was about to answer: “Si Miriam ang sagot”, “Pag ibig” (kahit kelan hindi daw naging mali ang pag-ibig e, corny) and “sorry, Sir”.   *sarcasm*  But I know, I have read them all, the theories and how to explain such. But I failed to memorize their names and the theories they propose. Brrrr! I was so familiar with each of the items yet I do not know how to put them in context, or connect them or recognize the proponent of such. I cannot store them in my brain. Maybe possible if they’re only two or three. But no, they’re more than ten! There was also enumeration of things which I think were also subjective No! I cannot memorize all those answers and it might be as hell as this. Failure, baby. Surely, I had the same sentiment with my classmates after we have slightly chatted right after we got outside. We were all shocked upon seeing this kind of exam. But I still have sure answers yet I do not know what the results would be. Napakadakila ko talaga kapag ipinasa ko ang exam na yun. haha!

What also stress me are the things I have to do in the last week of this semester and the incoming finals week which is actually next week. I have one last final exam this Friday, my SOC 160 (Social Change) class. Good thing, the exam is essay but I believe know that this is gonna be somehow objective and situational. I have a presentation on Friday on my Social Psychology class. I have also a scheduled one whole-day presentation of final papers in one of my major subjects (SOC 170- Social Problems). That’s gonna be on the 25th. And I also have five impending major final papers all due next week and a hefty dose of anxious thoughts to sort out. What kind of life I must be living for the incoming days?

I never had this stressless night in a week. And I’m needing it so bad!!! Well, I had the chance to have a night of fun with my family. We had a family swimming last Sunday. I also had the chance to have a complete body massage with my cousins two weeks ago. They were soooo relaxing! I felt like I am completely restored and I conditioned then to face another struggle. But no, after the little relaxation, I am now again facing this cruel life of mine. And back to my normal life again. Parang walang nangyari.

Purged virtually to friends. I got less social life nowadays. More so, I never had a complete hours of sleep this past few days and weeks. I now normally sleep at 2 to 3am and wakes up at 7am or 8am, the latest. I am relatively deprived. I need to sleep late and wake up so early because, it’s either I need to study for an exam or I have to finish a paper to be submitted the following day. I promise, I am not procrastinating most of the time. Though at times I do. I am just making a time for myself or I am resting at the moment. I am craving for a deep complete sleep and a day of rest. I need that.. so much.

Pero nakukuha ko pa din mag-blog, ano? No, it’s not that. I am too tired of my life these days and I think my mind isn’t functioning well anymore (sabagay, dati pa naman. haha) I need a time to write, to medidate, to reflect. I cannot even open my drafts to re-edit my manuscripts because opening that is a bit more of a source of anxiety to me. But promise, I’ll be starting my paper works tomorrow. I just need an air to breath. Need to exhale all the negativity.

I have this anxiety when it comes to presenting studies or works of mine. I dunno what changed me. Well, I am used to speaking in front of the public way back in high school. I believe I was able to communicate to people through my speech, verbal words and even to the written ones. But that was years ago. I am not the same person today. I am now afraid to face the public. I am uncertain of the things I say. I am afraid of people’s criticisms and comments. I am afraid to face the truth of life. I am still caged in a virtual reality that things are perfect, things go accordingly. I don’t know but I have a very cynical view of the world nowadays. I need to boost my self-esteem and the idea that I can make things right. I am always thinking, “My God, di ko ‘to kaya.”.. “Paano to, ang hirap humarap sa tao” “Please, lupa. Kainin mo na ako nang buo” These thoughts keep popping at the back of my mind everytime I am about to face a crowd or even just a group of people to speak. This is me being so pessimistic of my life again and again. The truth is, I do not trust myself anymore. Sad but this is me now. *tears* I lost my self.. my old, old self. And I want my self back.

I will be having two more presentations of studies which I have mentioned. And it’s (for sure) gonna be a blood-curdling, spine chilling activity to me again. But I have surpassed one major presentation of a major paper which I have made alone as a partial fulfillment of my SOC 199, Undergraduate Seminar for Sociology. I will be writing about it soon.

I stay alive for the moments that take my breath away in all the unimaginable, wonderful ways. During times I feel I do things half-heartedly, I have to believe, I need this. I need this to grow, to be more mature, to be stronger than I am today. I  need to drive my life to the direction I want. I think, it has been necessary. I feel blue and downgraded for so many times. And the feeling is still as strong, but I have learned to deal and live with it. Feeling discomposed and antsy ever so indefinitely, sedated in a physical, affective and mental quagmire. But I will still wait. I believe in the right and perfect timing. Maybe when the time comes, I’ll break away. Amor fati. After all, it’s the possibility of having a dream come true that make life much more interesting.

It’s gonna be a long journey though. I know it’s gonna be tough and things wouldn’t be a smooth ride. But I am always and should be open to this. I hope these hindrances will slowly change me towards the better. Then, I’ll find a positive image of mine.

Cheer up, brave little soul and head high! MAROON FIGHT!